ENGLISHMAN'S 
HOME 



MAJOR GUY DU MAIJRIER 



LIBRARY OF 



CONGRESS 



OOOlflmcjCJ^g 




Class jr-A_5aX^J2_7 

Book.- J.L____ 

Copyright]^" . 

COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S 
HOME 

A PLAY IN THREE ACTS 



BY 

Major Guy du Maurier, D.S.O. 




HARPER & BROTHERS PUBLISHERS 

NEW YORK AND LONDON 

MCM IX 



THE PLAV PUBLISHED IN THIS VOLUME IS 
COPYRIGHTED AS A DRAMATIC COMPOSITION. 
STAGE AND PLATFORM RIGHTS RESERVED 






Copyright, 1909, by Harper & Brothers. 

^11 rights reserved. 

Published April, 1909. 



LIBRARY of CONGRESS 


Two Oouies Recoived 


APR 15 laoy 


^ CopyrikT.l tntry 



CHARACTERS 

Mr. Brown. Fifty-five, of middle height, thick -set, 
gray; clean-shaved, with close-cropped mutton-chop whisk- 
ers. Rather red face, getting fat about the back of his neck. 
City man, say a merchant in Berlin wools; middle class — 
rather near the bottom of that class. Shrewd, but not very 
intelligent. Wears a city man's clothes, except the coat, 
which is a very old and comfortable Norfolk, made by a 
cheap ready-made tailor; stupid trousers — shiny, very 
kneed, and a little short. 

Reggie Brown. His eldest son, about twenty-eight. 
About five feet ten inches, fair, fat, clean-shaved — going to 
be like his father. Wears very commonplace suit of dittoes, 
rather tight for him, stick-up collar, red tie, and pumps. 

Syd Brown. Younger son, about tv^elve. Tall for 
his age, very thin, pale-faced, and rather spotty, with a'sharp, 
sly sort of face. Dank, light-brown hair. He wears a very 
high up-and-down collar, blue knickerbockers and stockings, 
and slippers. No waistcoat, and a faded maroon blazer 
with yellow braiding and a crossed tennis-bat on the pocket. 
Smokes fags. 

G EOFFREY Smith. Twenty-five, short, thin, narrow-chest- 
[I] 



CHARACTERS 



ed, sloping shoulders, knock-kneed and lark-heeled; dark 
hair growing far back, and sticking up a little on the crown; 
runaway chin and bad teeth, with a thin neck and large 
apple; a dark-brown mustache which, from much cutting, 
sticks out like a toothbrush. Wears a brown suit with a 
faint white line on it, very new, ready-made brown boots 
(button), showing short, thick, deformed feet; a crude purple 
tie and a stick-up collar. 

Paul Robinson. Twenty-eight, slight, and of middle 
height; nice face, rather pale, and looks delicate. If he 
were well dressed and had a better color would look a 
nice fellow. Dressed in service-dress of a private in the Vol- 
unteers, fitting very badly, being two sizes too large for him. 

Maggie Brown. Twenty-one, nice-looking, clean, dark 
girl, neatly dressed, with a strong, clear voice. 

Amy Brown. Eighteen, tall girl, full figure — handsome, 
but rather in a cold way; high complexion, loud voice, loud 
laugh. A good sort, a little overdressed in a cheap suburban 
way. 

Ada Jones. Twenty-one, very unattractive girl, flat- 
chested and thin-faced; pince-nez, frizzy hair done up 
elaborately; cheap silver jewelery; ugly feet in tight, high- 
heeled shoes. 

Captain Prince Yoland. Tall, fair Nearlander; thick- 
jowled and thick-necked; very short hair, slight mustache. 
Cavalry uniform covered with mud. 

Lieutenant Rian Hobart. Same regiment. 

Sergeant Thol. Nearland Cavalry. 

[2] 



CHARACTERS 



Sergeant Garth. Nearland Cavalry. 

Captain Finch. Officer of English Volunteers. 

Second Lieutenant Jackson. Officer of English 
Volunteers. 

Color Sergeant Harris. Officer of English Volunteers. 

Doctor. Officer of English Volunteers. 

Captain Lindsay. Adjutant of English Volunteers. 

Soldiers. Typical Nearland Cavalry and Nearland 
Infantry. 

English Volunteers. A mixed lot. 



SCENE 

The action of the play takes place in the "playroom" of 
Mr. Brown's house, "The Firs," at Wickham, in Essex. 

The playroom is a large, comfortable room on the ground 
floor, furnished in a cheerful and homely but essentially 
suburban manner. 

It is a room that is obviously lived in. The chairs are 
comfortable; tables littered with books, papers, and evi- 
dences of the occupations of the Browns. 

One or two prints of popular pictures, framed in maple, 
on the wall — for example. Coming of Age in the Olden Time, 
a couple of Marcus Stone's. 

A piano and much littered music — comic operas, some 
two-steps, and a few comic songs. 

Many photographs in frames everywhere — all the leading 
actors and actresses. 

A statuet of Britannia on the mantelpiece. 

At back of stage, French windows leading on to a lawn, 
fireplace down left, with door right down left. A cosey bow- 
window with window-seat on right; another door down 
right. 

[5] 



THE FIRST ACT 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S 
HOME 

THE FIRST ACT 

When the curtain goes up it is ten o'clock in the morning 
— boxing-day. The gas is lit in the playroom, and there is 
a dense fog outside seen through the windows. 

Maggie Brown is reading, comfortably sitting in the win- 
dow-seat. Reggie Brown, at a table, is doing limericks, 
telegrams, wit competitions, etc.; all the comic papers, much 
foolscap, envelopes, sixpenny P. O's. He is wrapped in the 
throes of composition. Mr. Brown is back, in front of the 
French windows, practising diabolo; there are several pairs 
of sticks, and cones of all weights and sizes. He practises 
the posture without using cone for some time, and is ad- 
vanced to practise with cone as the Act goes on. Near him 
is Syd Brown, with several books on the game of diabolo, 
from which he reads directions. Standing with his back 
to the fire, Geoffrey Smith is reading from a football 
[9] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

paper called The Goal Post. Amy Brown is lolling in an 
arm-chair facing him. Ada Jones sits on the arm of the 
same chair. 

Geoffrey [reads]. "After a pretty exchange of 
long bowls ..." 

[Brown throws diabolo cone up, and 
it drops.] 

Syd. Look out, Dad! Heads! 

Reggie. Steady, Dad! 

Brown. Sorry, sorry; don't let me interrupt you, 
Geoffrey. Go on with your account of the football 
mach — -very interesting. 

Geoffrey [lights cigarette]. Where was I .? 
[Reads.] "After a pretty exchange of long bowls 
between the backs, which kept the heads of the for- 
wards up and gave them a breather, the sphere settled 
down at the Blues' front door and looked as if it had 
come to stay, although 'Long Jervis' and A. P. 
Henstock did their best to make a parting guest of 
it — and a speedy one at that. But the East Finchley 
Friday front line were all over them, like our fair 
sisters round the shop -walkers at a summer sale, 
and the Pirates' goal looked ten times its proper size 
to their anxious supporters. But after a pretty bit 
of head work by Kelvin and 'Scotty' Smith, relief 

[10] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

came. Borrodaile got his hands between the ball and 
his last meal, and the referee gave a foul — on appeal." 
[Throws cigarette away.] 

Syd. Oh! I shouldn't call that a foul. 

Geoffrey. Well, strictly speaking, perhaps not. 
But, you see, when a man's writing a real picturesque 
account like this he can't be expected to call every- 
thing by the correct name — sort of poetic license, 
you know. 

Amy. Yes, of course, I understand that. I call 
it pretty neat, don't you, Geoffrey ? 

Geoffrey. Splendid! That touch about old Bor- 
rodaile's last meal — pretty smart; he don't stint him- 
self, does J. M. What do you think .? 

Ada. I don't suppose he'd eat much just before 
a match, would he ? My brother says . . . 

Geoffrey. "The booing of the crowd at the 
decision of the luckless official showed pretty clearly 
which team had the largest number of supporters 
among the assembled sportsmen. Still, shouts of 
'Well done, Artie!' were sufficiently conspicuous to 
prove that Captain Arthur Simpson was not entirely 
out of favor, and that the Pirates' stock, though 
below par, was not entirely unsalable." 

Amy. Good old Artie — don't suppose he cared, he's 
pretty used to being bored. 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Geoffrey. Why should he mind ? He's paid 
for it. 

Reggie. I think it's all rot, booing the referree. 
It doesn't do any good, and he probably sees more'' 
and knows more of the game than any of the crowd 
looking on. 

Geoffrey. Now you're talking through your hat. 
My friends, don't you believe that sort of thing. 
The referee is paid by the gate, and the crowd pays 
for the refer — and if you're paying a man you've 
surely a right to tell him what you think of him. 
What do you say, Mr. B. ? 

Brown. The right of every Englishman to express 
his approval or disapproval with the work of those 
who are in a sense servants of the public is a prin- 
ciple with which I am in complete sympathy. We — 
er — are a free people, and we should never neglect 
an opportunity for impressing that fact on — er — 
those who may be inclined to doubt it. 

Geoffrey. I don't think old Artie doubts it, to 
do him justice. He's been laid out twice in the 
North. 

Brown. I have no doubt he deserved it. 

Ada. My brother says — 

Amy. Push oflP, Geoff. 

Geoffrey. "This relieved the pressure — cleared 

[12] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

the air and the goal — and once more the backs gave 
an exhibition which did little good, but hurt no one 
except perhaps the uncomplaining spheroid who took 
it lying down — or perhaps we should say flying down 
— and up. 

"Little Teddy took the pass on the wing, and, 
jinking closely, raced along, hugging the cushion, at 
lightning speed, steadied at the distance and centred 
full in front of the E. F. F. goal." 

Amy and Ada. Yes, yes — go on. 

Geoffrey. " George took it on the hop, and, shoot- 
ing hard and high, netted the mud orange within ten 
seconds of time," 

Syd. Hurrah! 

Geoffrey. "This gave the match to the Pirates, 
and although the supporters of the Buff and Treacle 
felt the loss of their money, and showed their feelings 
in an attempt to mob the referee, we venture to as- 
sert that when the initial soreness had worn off, not 
one of the fifty thousand true English sportsmen 
who watched the game went away with the feeling 
that he had wasted time or money in spending it on 
one of the finest games it has ever been our good- 
fortune to witness." 

Amy. How perfectly ripping — and to think we 
missed it, and all on account of the rotten old fog. 
[13] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Ada. We're missing everything — that, and the 
other match on Wednesday, and the matinee on 
Saturday. 

Amy. Oh, bother the matinee! We can see that 
any time, but we shall never see another match like 
that — eh, Geoff? 

Geoffrey. Well, I wouldn't go so far as to say 
that! 

Amy. Just our rotten luck that the match came 
off at all. What price the fog down at Barn Oaks .? 

Geoffrey. Well, you see what this fellow says: 
[Reads.] "Although the dense fog kept many thou- 
sands of the less ardent away, some thousands of true 
footballers ran the risk of disappointment, and were 
rewarded by finding on arrival that a slight and pre- 
sumably purely local clearing just gave them a view 
of the ground, and enabled the game to proceed." 
Great Jehoshaphat, that fellow can write! It's al- 
most as good as seeing the match one's self to read 
a real stirring account of it, eh. Amy .? 

Amy. Well, I'm not so struck on literature my- 
self, and I'd rather have been there — and seen it. 

Ada. My brother saw it — he goes everywhere. 
He had five shillings on West Finchley — I bet he 
booed that umpire a bit. 

Geoffrey. Well, if I had a gift for writing like 
[14] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

that chap, I'd chuck the old office mighty quick, I 
can tell you. Now, Maggie, you're a judge of real 
literature — what do you think of it ? 

Maggie. Well, Geoffrey, it's a great subject. 
But, do you know, I wasn't listening very carefully, 
so I can't say — and I don't quite understand it. I 
think there is too much — too much — what d'you call 
it ? — metaphor. . . . 

Geoffrey. Don't you like it, Maggie ? Remem- 
ber, he's paid by the line. 

Maggie. Ah! For instance, now, what does 
"doing good work with his right" mean ? 

Geoffrey. Why, that means he brought off some 
amazing fine kicks with his right foot. And he's 
strong on his rights, too, is Jimmy. 

Syd. Now, Dad, you must keep that left shoulder 
steady. Just listen to what Plum Warner says: 
"The left upper arm must be kept rigid with the 
elbow slightly forward, with a play of not more 
than two or three inches — " 

Brown, Well, Sydney, I am trying. But there 
are so many points to think of. What's he say again 
about the grip of the left hand .? 

Syd. Wait a minute! [Reads.] "The stick is to 
be held lightly in the left hand — not more than two 
inches from the end, most of the work being done 
[15] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

by the first two fingers." Now you're using your 
thumb too much, Governor. 

Brown. Yes, that's all very well; but the Bad- 
minton book says: "The stick should be held at 
least half-way up, and full in the palm of the hand, 
and the elbow firmly glued to the left hip." 

Syd. Yes; but that's with a thirty-inch stick and 
a ten-ounce cone — ^you must remember the differ- 
ence. 

Brown. But, Sydney, my boy, that article in the 
Times by the ex-Minister of the Interior says that 
there are several w^ays of starting, and that every 
beginner had better find out the way that suited 
him best. 

Syd. Oh well, if you want to play the game that 
way, do. But you won't get any style— you'll never 
be any class at it. 

Reggie I say, tell me a rhyme to "Wormwood 
Scrubbs." 

Geoffrey. No, it wasn't; it was Alf Gagpinch 
sang that. He's got a corking new song now, about 
the strike. I tell you it catches on all right — it's 
a fizzer. 

Maggie. How does it fizz ? 

Geoffrey. Amy, you can play the chorus. 

Amy. What's that, Geoff.? 
[i6] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Geoffrey. You know— "Oh! oh! the G. P. O." 
[Reggie picks up paper, and exit. 
When song begins Geoffrey sings 
to an amazingly commonplace music- 
hall tune.] 
{Chorus) What's the good of a penny stamp 
When the G. P. O.'s on strike ? 
What's the eood of a telegram 

When the postman's copped the spike .? 
You can't get on to the telephone, 
You've got to get on to your bike, 
Or tickle the street 
On your plates of meat, 
And all because of the strike! 
Syd. Hurrah! That's fine — how does it go on.? 
Geoffrey. Can't remember any more. I've only 
heard it four times. 

Ada. My brother knows the whole of one verse, 
and bits of the others. He's heard it lots of times. 
He's very smart at picking up those songs. 
Geoffrey. Oh, is he.? 

Brown. Well, I may be old-fashioned, and of 
course these music-hall singers being, so to speak, 
servants of the public, must please the public. But 
I don't approve of this turning of a national disgrace 
into a subject for a comic song. 
[17] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Geoffrey. Hear, hear — the ayes have it. 

Brown. Yes; but owing to this confounded tele- 
graphic and postal strike, business is at a standstill. 
The money market has ceased to exist. We are in the 
dark as to the fluctuation of trade in our own capital 
or what our rivals across the seas are doing — and 
except by most devious and lengthy means we hear 
nothing — absolutely nothing — from the other great 
business centres in the kingdom. The progress of 
events in our great oversea dependencies is hidden 
from us, and what news we do get as to the daily 
movements of our aristocracy ... is not always to 
be relied upon. 

Geoffrey. Well, I don't so much mind all that. 
We get most of the football news, anyway, and if I 
could only get some sort of idea of how the test 
matches are going I could bear the disappointment 
about the Upper Ten. 

Ada. There was a lot about Romeo Clarkson in 
the Sunday Times. My brother knows his dresser, 
and says it's true — every word. 

Geoffrey. Does he.? 

Brown. I repeat, sir, that this strike is a dis- 
grace to England. These men are public servants 
and owe a duty to the country, and I, for one, think 
that that public duty should come before any private 
[.8] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

discomfort or personal grievance they may suffer 
from. 

Geoffrey. Cheers — some laughter! 
Maggie, You ought to be in the House, Dad. 
You'd make 'em sit up. 

Brown. If I had a seat, I think I could make 
things uncomfortable for the — the — er — 

Maggie. The man who sat next you, anyway. 
Geoffrey. Mr, Speaker, I rise on a point — 
Amy. Well, that's better than sitting down on 
one. 

Geoffrey. That puts you in, Amy. Score, 2 love. 
Ha! ha! ha! 

[Enter Reggie.] 
Reggie. I wish to goodness you'd all be quiet for 
a bit and help. It's impossible to think seriously, 
or do any work while you're making so much noise. 
Look here, perhaps you can suggest a last line for 
this limerick in "Flip-Buts": 

A man from the Isle of Wight 
Came home to his wife rather tight, 
Her legs were both game. 
And her left arm the same — 
Ti tum, te ti tum, te ti tum. 
Geoffrey. Yes, but that don't rhyme. 
Reggie. Oh, you're very funny, aren't you ^ I 
[19] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

thought of putting: "And so he stopped out all 
ni-ight." 

Amy. Don't, Reggie, you'll hurt yourself. 

Reggie. It's all very well to rot, but you can't 
think of anything better. Now, Maggie, you sug- 
gest. 

Maggie. I'm afraid I wasn't listening. Just say 
it again, will you .? 

[Reggie repeats the limerick.] 

"She did some good work with her right." 

Geoffrey. Not bad, for you, Maggie. 

Reggie. Can't you think of anything better.? 

Maggie. I'm afraid not — the fog's got into my 
brain. 

Ada. Oh, don't talk of the fog — it's got into every- 
thing. My father says — 

Geoffrey. Well, there's points about the fog, too. 
Had a jolly good day off at the office on Friday be- 
cause of it. Day before, I left early to attend my 
aunt's christening, lost my way to the church, and 
found I was looking on at Preston Knight Errants 
getting the knock from Hornsey Crusaders — good 
game it was too, and I hadn't got a thirst on me 
when it was over — oh, dear no! — after smoking two 
packets of cigs and shouting till I nearly cracked my 
laryngitis — saving your presence, Ada. 

[20] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Ada. Oh, don't mind me, GeofF— my brother says 
worse things than that! 

Geoffrey. Oh! So after that, Jimmie Hall and 
a pal of his — a real sport he was, in Spencer and 
Watton's city branch — and yours obedient, went and 
had a soup, fish, and a follow at Benoni's, and took 
three front-row velvets at the Oxford. More shout- 
ing, more cigs, and, mark you, more thirst. So we 
went large in the supper line. I tell you, we made 
the waiter stare — and caught the last train by the 
edge of the buffer. It was a night! There wasn't 
much change out of a sov. by the time we got back 
to our ancestral halls. And I don't mind telling 
you that I was a bit blindo, and when I woke next 
morning, after a fair old "Here we go round the 
mulberry bush," I felt more like going and lying in 
the poultry-yard and playing with the chickens than 
facing the office. 

[Enter Paul.] 

Morning, Paul. Hello, Kitchener! 

Paul. Good-morning, everybody. 

Geoffrey. Not a drum was heard — not a bloom- 
in' one. And, as we're old friends, Paul, we don't 
mind telling you the reason. 

Amy. We haven't got a drum. 

Geoffrey. Thank you. Amy. 

[21] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Paul. I'm sorry there wasn't any music. 

Geoffrey. Oh, if you want some, Amy will 
oblige, on the piano, with "The Return of the 
Soldier" — after the pubs were closed. 

Amy. Don't worry about him, Geoff — go and see 
the Follies. 

Ada. My brother has seen the Follies twice. 

Paul. Well, Geoff, you seem in good form. 

Geoffrey. Oh, I'm merry and bright, thank you 
— can sit up and take a bit of nourishment between 
meals. But what's your entertainment — going to 
a levee, or is it private theatricals, and you're dressed 
for the part of the Battle of Waterloo Junction ? 

Paul. Well, the fact is, I was down to do some 
target practice to - day. But I'm afraid it's too 
thick. 

Geoffrey. Target practice! Look at him, ladies 
and gentlemen. Spends his afternoons, when he 
might be encouraging sport by cheering on the 
winning team, dressed up like that, lying on his 
delicate chest in the mud, trying to make holes in a 
defenceless target. 

Paul. Bet you couldn't hit one, Geoff. 

Geoffrey. Wrong again, Blucher. Shooting's 
one of my strong points. Not targets, though, bless 
you — something more sporting for me. 

[22] 



AN ENGLISHMAN 'S HOME 

Amy. Geoff shot three sea-gulls at Westgate this 
summer. 

Geoffrey. And one of 'em was flying, too, and 
that's more than your old targets can do. 

Reggie. Dry up, GeofF. Look here, Paul, can 
you give me a notion for one of these pictures in 
the Repartee Competition in Tip-top Tips? You 
see that dog — well, the tramp says to the gentle- 
man, "That's a nice little dawg you've got there, 
mister." 

Paul. Yes, I see. 

Reggie. Well, now, what does the other man say ? 

Paul. How should I know, Reggie ? 

Reggie. No, but what would you say ? 

Paul. Well, I don't think it is much of a dog, and 
I suppose I should say so. 

Reggie. But, man, it's got to be witty, or sarcas- 
tic, or something. 

Paul. Well, Mr. Brown, how are you getting on ? 

Brown. Pretty well, Paul, pretty well, I think; 
but it takes time. 

Paul. Oh, by the way, I've brought you a Daily 
Halfpenny from the station. 

Brown. What! That's capital, Paul; how did 
you get it .? 

Paul. There was a carriage full of them gomg 
[23] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

down the line; I was lucky to get one — swarms of 
people waiting for them. 

Brown. What do I owe you for it .? 

Paul. Oh, that's all right, Mr. Brown. 
[Exit for paper.] 

Brown. Nonsense, my dear Paul, nonsense! You 
bought it for me, and I've not seen a paper for days. 

Geoffrey. What price the Goal Post? 

Brown. Ah yes, of course. Very interesting and 
all that, especially for you younger people. But I 
meant a paper with news in it — news of the great 
world, you know. 

[Enter Paul with paper.] 

Now, Paul, how much was it ? 

Paul. Well, I got it for two shillings, after a bit 
of an argument. 

Geoffrey. What! Really! 

Maccie. Bravo! 

Brown. Well, I must say I think the Daily Half- 
penny people deserve it. They've got enterprise. 
How they get the news with which they fill their 
paper is a mystery to me. 

Geoffrey. Is it ? 

Paul. They've got a motor service all over Eng- 
land, I believe. 

Geoffrey. Don't you believe it. The staff sit 
[24] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

in the cellar and read it off the gas-meter, as if it 
were a tape-machine. 

Amy. Well, Dad, get a move on. Tell us what 
the great world's doing. 

Brown. There's a leading article on the strike, 
which — er — quite rightly lays the blame, and ap- 
parently the whole blame, on the idiotic inertia of 
the present Government. 

Geoffrey. Pass along, please — pass along. 

Brown. Another long article on the fog, which 
seems — to — 

Amy. Cut the fog. Dad. What else .? 

Brown. Ah! And what looks like a most inter- 
esting article on "The Christmas Festival— Ancient 
and Modern." 

Geoffrey. Can't say when at the moment, but 
I fancy I've read that somewhere. Does it begin, 
"Christmas is upon us once more." 

[Reggie picks up papers, and exit. 
Geoffrey stops speaking a second, 
watching him off. Then on with 
speech.] 

"Christmas, with all its old associations; Christmas, 
with its universal message of peace and good-will, 
etc. ?" 

Brown. No, Geoffrey, it does not. It says, "The 
[25] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

superstition that a hard Christmas was heralded by a 
plenteous display of the red fruit of the holly-tree 
has this year failed to deserve the respect due to its 
age. Although the winter is hard, the holly berries 
are slow in assuming that ruddy hue in which their 
clusters look most attractive." Now that's very 
prettily put, I think. 

Geoffrey. I don't think! Give me the other 
beginning. 

Amy. I'd rather have tne two shillings than either 
of them. 

Ada, What would you do with two shillings, 
Amy? 

Paul. Well, Mr. Brown, I must be going. 

Brown. Where are you gong to, Paul .? 

Paul. Well, I'm going to shoot on the ranges. 
But I'm afraid there's too much fog. 

Brown. Perhaps it's clearer down there. 

Paul. I'm going to bike over and see. Rather a 
general nuisance, isn't it .? What do you think's the 
reason of it ? 

Brown. Of the fog, you mean I 

Paul. Yes. 

Brown. I am unable to say exactly what are the 
physical causes which originally gave rise to it. 
But I do state that its duration is unprecedented, 
[26] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

and that something ought to be done — some steps 
should be taken. Had the present Government 
only met the difficulty at the beginning and showed 
some energy and consideration for the public, I 
venture to state that — er — they — would — er — 

Geoffrey. Elave you put the wind up it— eh, 
Right Honorable ? 

Brown. Perhaps you have caught my meaning, 
Geoffrey, and expressed it in your own way. 

Paul. What are you all going to do, eh, Amy ? 

Amy. Looks as if it will end in blind-man's-buff. 
But what we want to do if it clears is — go over and 
see the Cup Tie. You come with us, Paul, and keep 
the crowd in order. 

Paul. No, thanks, Amy. If it clears I shall go to 
the range to shoot. 

Geoffrey. Well, there's a way to spend a Bank 
Holiday. Paul, you're a mug. Before I'd go in 
for that silly game, I'd break stones. 

Paul. Lucky we don't all think the same, Geoff. 

Geoffrey. Well, what's the good of it, anyway .? 
Fat lot of good you're doing to yourself or any one 
else — I say it is a rotten way of enjoying yourself, 
and as far as the use you are to the country, it's not 
worth the price of the escaped convict fancy dress 
you're wearing. 

[27] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Paul. It isn't a question of enjoyment. Why 
should you always think of enjoyment ? 

Geoffrey. Why shouldn't I ? I work hard all 
day and every day in a stuIFy old office — granted ? 

Paul. Yes. 

Geoffrey. Very well, then, when I do get a 
holiday I think I've a right to spend it how I like — 
in amusement, to give me something to look for- 
ward to. 

Paul. So do I, and this is the way I choose to 
spend it. 

Geoffrey. Well, I call it a rotten way. Where 
does the fun come in ? 

Paul. You wouldn't understand it if I told you. 
Have you read what Lord Roberts says .? 

Geoffrey. Bobs — bless his heart — not much! 
I know what he's done, that's enough for me — you 
can have all he says. Whenever I see him I'll take 
my hat off to him, and I've cheered him many a time 
— cheered him till the men in front of me tore bits off 
their shirts to put in their ears. But, my word, they 
don't report him in the papers I patronize. They 
know better — got something more important to talk 
about. Don't you think I'm not proud of the old 
man, 'cos I am, and I like to hear what he's doing, 
but no speeches, thank you, Bobs; I'll take 'em as read. 
[28] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 



Paul. Well, he's not the only one. There's a lot 
of others who say the same. 

Geoffrey. Oh, I don't mind them. What's 
their record, anyway ? What have they done ? Are 
they covered with the blood of their country's 



enemies 



Paul. Lots of them have done a lot for their 
country. 

Geoffrey. Oh, have they? Well, let them tell 
us how they spend their working-time. How many 
of them put in an eight hours' day on an office stool 
looking at a bit of blotting-paper, or staring out of 
a dirty window when the only thing you can see is a 
blooming advertisement of "Summer Tours to the 
Land of the Midnight Sun." Tell me that, before I 
listen to their gas about it being every Englishman's 
duty to give up all his spare time learning to defend 
his country. Let me know how they spend their 
work-time, and I'll — 

Paul. Well, we've got different points of view, 
that's all. 

Geoffrey. Well, yours is a rotten one right 
enough. What do you think, Mr. Brown ? 

Brown. What is it, Geoffrey ? 

Geoffrey. What do you think of this volunteer- 
ing business ? Don't you call it a mug's game ? 
[29] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Brown. One momenr, please. I do believe I've 
got the Jessop spin — ah, no! Volunteering .f* A 
mug's game? Well, perhaps the expression is too 
strong; but for myself, well, I fail to see the use of 
it, and I think there is danger in it. 

Paul. Surely, Mr. Brown, that oughtn't to deter 
any one. 

Brown. I was alluding to its moral danger. 

Geoffrey. Of course he was, Paul; he was 
thinking of the nurse-maids. 

Brown. I consider it has a tendency to convert 
the people of England to militarism — a condition of 
slavery which our country, up to now, has escaped, 
and I trust it always will. 

Paul. But do you call it slavery to defend your 
country .? What about patriotism ? 

Brown. There are other ways of showing patriot- 
ism, Paul. 

Geoffrey. I should think there were, indeed! 
You should have seen me on Mafeking night. I 
sang Rule, Britannia/ on top of the fountain in 
Trafalgar Square — then fell into the water, and 
kissed the policeman who pulled me out. 

Ada. My brother smashed a new hat Mafeking 
night, and he said he didn't care a bit. 

Brown. Exactly. I am thankful to say there is 
[30] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

no lack of patriotism. The heart of the nation is 
sound, as any foreign power will find to its cost 
who ventures to doubt it. As to defending the 
country — the country is in no danger of attack. 
The British fleet, we are assured, is strong enough to 
render invasion impossible, except from a raid, and 
if the raiders — well, er — raided, they would, I am 
sure, meet with a most uncomfortable reception, 

Paul. Who from, Mr. Brown ? 

Brown. Who from ? Why, from every man in 
the country, Paul. There is not an Englishman who 
wouldn't at once fly to arms, and not a man would 
escape to — er — 

Geoffrey. To tell the tale. 

Brown. Thank you, Geoff'rey. 

Maggie. How does one fly to arms, Dad .? 

Brown. That, Maggie, is merely a figure of 
speech, meaning that every man would immediately 
seize a weapon and stand on the defensive. 

Maggie. What weapon would you seize. Dad ? 

Brow^n. That is a detail. 

Geoffrey. I always sleep with a brickbat under 
my pillow. 

Ada. My brother has got one of those air pistols 
that fire darts into a target. 

Paul. Well, I think every one ought to learn dis- 
[31] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

cipline and how to use a rifle, and then he might be 
some good if he were wanted. Don't you agree 
with me, Maggie ? 

Maggie. I don't know, Paul; I'm afraid I've 
never thought of it. It is a pity that the uniform 
isn't more becoming. 

Paul. That's a woman all over! You see, the 
uniform isn't meant to attract. 

[During scene between Maggie and 
Paul, Geoffrey, Amy, and Ada 
whisper together, and then leave the 
room quietly.] 

Maggie. No, I suppose it's made to repel. 

Paul. Repel what ? 

Maggie. Why, the invader — I mean. 

Paul. Oh yes, of course. 

Maggie. Still, the invader wouldn't see your back, 
would he, Paul .? 

Paul. Rather not! 

Maggie. Then there's no reason why it shouldn't 
fit a little better across the shoulders — is there .? 

Paul. If I spent my afternoons at football matches, 
smoking cigarettes, and shouting myself hoarse, Mag- 
gie, would you think any better of me ? 

Maggie. Well, Paul, first, why should you sup- 
pose I think of you at all ? 
[32] 



A N ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Paul. The wish was father to the thought. 

Maggie. Then you want me to think of you .? 

Paul. Yes. 

Maggie. Then I'll try hard. 

Paul. Yes, but I don't want it to be an effort — 
I want it to come naturally. 

Maggie. Well, perhaps it will if— 

Paul. If what? 

Maggie. If you have that coat taken in under the 
arms. 

Brown. I've got it— I've got it — I've go — . . . 
Damn! 

Syd. Hello, who are those Johnnies on the lawn ? 

Brown. What ? 

Syd. Can't you see them ? Fellers on bicycles in 
uniform— look like Volunteers. Pals of Paul'sjl expect. 

Brown. Let me see. 

Syd. Making themselves at home all right, read- 
ing a newspaper or something. 

Brown. What infernal impudence! Hi — here, 
you, sir! Do you know you've no right there ? 
This is private property you're on; that's a lawn 
you're trampling about — my lawn. Eh, what do 
you say? Just come here, sir. Come here, sir. 
[Enter Soldier.] 

Soldier. Yourpardon,sir,wehave made a mistake. 
[33] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Brown. You have, sir! You have no business 
here. This is a private ground you are on. 

Paul. Who are you ? 

Soldier. How are you, comrade ? Will you 
please tell me the name .? 

Brown. The name, young man, was on the gate, 
which was shut, and you ought to know the meaning 
of a shut gate. It means, sir, that you are not to 
open it. This is "Myrtle Villa." 

Paul. What Corps ? 

Soldier. How are you, comrade ? Ah, then, you 
are Mr. Brown ? 

Brown. Now you know my name, perhaps you'll 
kindly leave my property. I've no objections to 
you Volunteers amusing yourselves in your own way, 
but you mustn't do it at other people's expense. 
You render yourselves liable to be run in for tres- 
pass. 

Soldier. Thornton Park is about three miles 
down the road that way — yes .? 

Brown. Ah — about that, I believe. 

Soldier. And the telegraph wire crosses the road 
and goes down by the end of the hill ? 

Brown. I don't know, I'm sure. It's not working 
— what do you want with it ? 

Soldier, To destroy it. 

[34] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Brown. Destroy it? Ah yes; pretend to, you 
mean. 

Soldier. Yes, of course, we pretend to. 

Brown. Well, silly nonsense, I call it. 

Soldier. Thank you; that is all. Good-morn- 
ing. 

Brown. Good-morning, young man, and take my 
advice and stick to the road. Remember an Eng- 
lishman's house is his castle, and — er — so is his 
garden. 

[Exit Soldier, laughing.] 

Syd. Did you see that other fellow ? It was old 
Oxo. 

Brown. Who ? 

Syd. Why, the man who used to be at Jenkins', 
the hair-dresser; cut my hair scores of times — used 
to put shillings on for me, too. He's joined the 
Volunteers. Is that your silly old corps, Paul .? 

Paul. No, I don't think they were Volunteers; 
looked to me more like Regulars. 

Syd. Oh, they wouldn't take old Oxo on as a 
regular soldier; besides, what would they be doing ? 
There they go down the road to the left. Fog seems 
to be clearing. 

Paul. So I think it is. Well, I must be off and 
see if there's a chance of seeing the targets; perhaps 
[35] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

those fellows are off there, too. Good-bye, Mr. 
Brown. Good-bye, Maggie. 

[Enter Geoffrey, Amy, and Ada.] 
[Comic military ballet with song. 
Soldiers of the Queen. They march 
in to chorus. Two burlesque words 
of command by Geoffrey, and 
then form tableau facing Paul: 
Geoffrey standing; Amy in atti- 
tude of defence in front of him, 
rifle at the charge; and Ada, with 
flag, in mock heroic attitude.] 
Geoffrey. Courage, my lads; steel your brave 
hearts; yonder stands the Invader. He has dared 
to scale the white cliffs of old England — you can see 
the marks of the cliffs on his face. Fear him not! 

Amy. I see them, my noble leader, and they do 
not blanch my stout heart. 
Ada. I see them, too. Pip! pip! 
Geoffrey. Fear him not — you are free men. 
What is he but a slave ? He is here against his own 
judgment — he has been dragooned into that uniform 
by force. 

Amy. But very little force would be required to 
let him drop out of it. I see the button that keeps 
it on. 

[36] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Ada. Ha, ha! I see it, too! Pip! pip! 
Geoffrey. Under that richly laced coat beats 
the heart of a slinger of hash. But you cannot hear 
it beat — and why ? 

Amy. Because there is no hash. 
Geoffrey. Except the hash he has made of it. 
Ada. I see the hash. Pip! pip! 
Geoffrey. Dry up, Ada, you haven't got a 
speaking part! But, my brave troops, v^e are not 
afraid. We are Englishmen, we are three to one, 
and we have the vs^ind behind us. Charge! 

All Three. Hurrah! Prepare to receive your 
doom! Fix bayonets! 

[Geoffrey takes his bayonet, and 
tries to fix it on the rifle; doesn't 
know how.] 

[When they enter, Geoffrey has 
Paul's hat on, belt, and bayonet, 
wears the dining-room tablecloth, a 
red one, as a cloak, and a pair of 
gardening gloves; two huge rolls of 
paper as field - glasses. Amy, tea 
cosey on head, her skirt kilted, small 
shaggy hearthrug as sporran, and 
the rifle. Ada, long dressing-gown, 
large dish-cover as a shield, top hat 
[37] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

and feathers, and a stair-rod with a 
toy Union Jack on it.] 
Geoffrey. Prepare to receive your doom! Fix 
bayonets! It's broken, Paul, it won't stay on, 
Paul. Oh, do stop rotting. 

[Goes for his hat.] 
Amy. Only over my dead body, Paul. 

[Paul seizes his hat and exits.] 
[Geoffrey, Amy, and Ada, breath- 
less, throw themselves into arm- 
chairs and laugh.] 
Reggie. Can you suggest anything for this tele- 
gram competition. Look here! A smart lady in the 
West End has ordered a new dress to go to an evening 
party in; on the afternoon of the party the dress- 
maker sends to say she can't have the new dress unless 
she pays for it. The lady hasn't got the money, but 
she can't go to the party without the dress. But her 
father is dying, and, she expects, will leave her some 
money in a day or two. Send a wire to the dress- 
maker, not more than twelve words, explaining the 
situation. Now! 

Geoffrey. " Father is rich. 

Health isn't hearty, 
Pay when he's dead — 
Must go to party." 
[38] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Ada. I don't think she ought to be going to a party 
if her father's dying. 

Amy. You've hit the weak point of these com- 
petitions, Ada. I shouldn't wonder, if you sent up 
that remark, whether they wouldn't stop them as 
giving the public a false idea as to the callousness of 
the upper classes. 

Reggie. That's not bad, Geoff, but it doesn't 
seem to quite bring out all the details. 

Geoffrey. Oh, but a telegram never does — you 
have to read between the lines, you know. No tele- 
gram must be taken literally. 

Amy. When Geoff wires to his bookmaker, "Five 
shillings the Hermit both ways," it doesn't mean 
that he backs him whether he goes backward or 
forward. 

Ada. My mother got fifteen shillings for one of 
those competitions last month in the Talk of the 
Tube — consolation prize. 

Amy. Yes; your mother wants that. 

Ada, I thought hers was smarter than the one 
that got the first prize — lady from Sydenham. But 
father said mother's wasn't subtle enough. 

Reggie. Yes, that's it; you have to be jolly subtle. 

Ada. Yes, that's what father says; but I don't 
quite see what it means. 

[39] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Geoffrey. Oh, I'll tell you. You've got to mean 
about a dozen different things, according to how you 
read it; and if you just read it straight off as it's 
written, it doesn't mean anything at all. 

Amy. Well, you get that all right, as a rule, Reggie. 

Syd. Now I think you might have a go with the 
small cone. Dad. Don't try too much; just feel the 
strain on the sticks; if you try and spin too fast, 
you'll spoil your style. 

Brown. Right you are, Syd. Just watch my 
elbows, will you — see they don't stick out too far. 

Syd. That's not bad, Guv'nor — not at all bad. 
Hi, Geoffrey, look at that! That's not bad, is it, 
for the third lesson ? 

Geoffrey. No, it isn't. Try and put a little 
more finger work into it, Mr. Brown. 

Ada. My brother can run it up the stick. 

Amy. My dear Ada, your brother ought to be 
running up a stick himself. 

Geoffrey. Grand slam to Amy. 

Maggie. I say, you people, look! — it's getting 
much clearer. 

Amy. My word, so it is! Geoff, do you think 
they'll play ? 

Geoffrey. If they can see two hundred yards, 
they will; they'd never disappoint the public. 
[40] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 



Ada. Oh, well, let's go — on the chance. How 
shall we go — train ? 

Geoffrey. Well, trains are mighty uncertain 
these times. 

Amy. Oh, don't let's run any risks; let's go on 
bicycles. It's only about twelve miles; do it in the 
hour. 

Syd. Hardly. It's pretty thick still; take us 
every bit of an hour and a half. 

Ada. Well, the match doesn't start till two. If 
we leave at half-past twelve — 

Geoffrey. No, that's no good; we want to be 
there by half-past twelve if we want to see anything. 
There'll be a big crowd, I can tell you. 

Amy. Look here, I vote we start at once. Take 
our lunch, and eat it while we're waiting. 

Geoffrey. Good enough. 

Amy. Maggie, dear, can we have sandwiches or 
something to take with us .? 

Maggie. Yes, Amy; how many.? You four? 
You're going, Syd .? 

Syd. I should jolly well think so. Will you lend 
me your bike f 

Maggie. Why, yes, dear, if you're careful with 
it. I'll go and see about your sandwiches. What 
would you like ? There's some beef, tongue, ham — 
[41] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Geoffrey, Well, I think ham is bad for shouting 
— makes the lips greasy. 

Maggie. Well, potted meat and some plum-pudding. 
[Exit.] 

Geoffrey. Plum-pudding, indeed! And I don't 
care who wins the boat-race. 

Ada. But that's not to-day, GeofF. 

Amy. No wonder your hairpins fall out, Ada — 
your brain's got too much electricity in it. 

Brown. Well, I won't practise any more till this 
afternoon — might get stale. 

Amy. Oh, GeofF, it ought to be a ripping game! 

Geoffrey. Well, it may be a near thing. Of 
course, if the Wanderers had had Sharkie Long 
playing, it would have been a walk-over. 

Ada. But Simmonds 's nearly as good, who's 
taken his place. 

Amy. No, no! he's not in the same class, Ada; 
he's awfully weak on his left — isn't he, Geoff ? 

Geoffrey. Compared to Sharkie, he is still; but 
Simmonds has come on a lot this season, and he's got 
marvellous judgment. I don't know that any back, 
with the exception of Sammy Butterfield, and per- 
haps P. M. Lee, who places more — 

Ada. I suppose E. C. Halliday is all right again .? 

Amy. He's all right and playing, and that sort of 
[42] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 



thing; but he's not in condition, and that weakens 
the left very much. I don't suppose he'll ever be 
the man he was last year, 

Geoffrey. Perhaps not. Hard luck on him, 
isn't it.? After only two seasons — don't think he's 
two-and-twenty yet. 

[Enter Maggie.] 

Maggie. It's all right about your sandwiches; 
they'll be ready in a few minutes. 

[All cheer and laugh.] 

Sh! Dad, there are a lot more of your Volunteer 
friends in the garden. 

Brown. What! 

Maggie. I told them to go away, but they didn't 
seem to know what I meant; they're all round the 
house, in fact — on horses this time. 

Brown. On horses in my garden! 

Maggie. Yes; in the drive, too. One of them 
rang the bell, and Jane went to answer it. 

Brown. This is too much! I rolled that drive 
yesterday! I'll go and give them a bit of my mind! 
It's perfectly shameful that these people shouldn't 
be told private property must be respected! How 
can they expect to get any sympathy when they — 
[Enter Captain and Lieutenant 

RiAN HOBART.] 

[43] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Please let me know the meaning of this intrusion, 
sir — or, rather, let me tell you the meaning of it! I 
call it disgraceful, sir — disgraceful! — that no notice 
is taken of shut gates! Private property is invaded 
— yes, invaded by you people in this way! I shall 
report it, sir, to the proper — proper people! And, 
moreover, I shall write to the papers, complaining 
that, as a citizen, I am not going to allow it! Kindly 
attempt no excuse, sir; I insist on having your name, 
and the name of your absurd Corps — now, sir! 

Prince. I am Prince Yoland, Captain in the 
Black Dragoons of Her Imperial Majesty the Em- 
press of the North! 



END OF THE FIRST ACT 



THE SECOND ACT 



i 



THE SECOND ACT 

Same scene. It is early next morning, about an hour 
before daybreak. Quite dark outside; gas alight. 

The French windows are open. In the doorway stands 
an Orderly with his back to the stage, looking out. He is 
leaning against the window-post; his rifle leans against the 
wall inside. Lieutenant Rian Hobart, tall, slim, fair, with 
mustache brushed up, lies asleep on the window-seat; he 
has taken one of the curtains down to use as a blanket, in 
addition to his greatcoat. His riding-boots, very muddy, 
are lying on a chair, and his sword, belts, and accoutrements 
are leaning against the piano. The round table has been 
drawn closer to the fire, the fancy tablecloth swept to one 
edge, pushing vases, photographs, etc., all into a bunch at 
one side; some of the articles are on the floor. On the bare 
part of the table is a camp coffee equipage, two cups, a 
paper of cheese, biscuits, and a sausage or two. Captain 
Prince Yoland is sitting at the table, facing the audience, 
writing in military despatch-books. He has a file of mes- 
sages in a clip on an elastic band by him, and is smoking 
a cigar. On his right at window sits a soldier with field- 
telephone and message -book. All the soldiers are very 
[47] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

muddy and travel-stained. A large fire is burning in the 
grate. The arm-chair is drawn up close in front of it, 
with a greatcoat and blanket on it, which have the appear- 
ance of having been slept in by the Captain. A kettle 
is on the fire; outside is heard at intervals the noise of horses, 
saddled up and picqueted, throwing up their heads. The 
general appearance of the room is disreputable. 

Telephone Orderly. Hullo; yes, this is head- 
quarters, B. Squadron, Black Dragoons. [Pause.] 
Yes, I'm ready. To Officer commanding B. Squad- 
ron, Black Dragoons: Have you yet received report 
from Telbeg — How do you spell it .? [Spelling it.] 
Stop ! From Intelligence Officer 5th Cavalry Division. 
[Crosses to Captain.] 
Captain. No. I've heard nothing. 
[Orderly returns.] 
[A figure approaches the French 
w^indows from across the lav^n.] 
Super No. i. Sergeant Thol! 

[Enter Sergeant Thol. Stout, griz- 
zled old soldier, v^ell set up, and very 
stiff and drilled in his manner. He 
marches up to a pace or two on 
right of Captain and salutes.] 
Captain. Well f 

[48] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Sergeant Thol. Patrol just in, sir. 

Captain. Your report I 

Sergeant Thol. Left him at midnight with six 
men; moved west along the railway to Billericay, 
then southwest as far as Thornton Park — not a sign 
of life anywhere; halted within a mile of Brent- 
wood. 

Captain. Yes, yes. Anything going on there ? 

Sergeant Thol. Yes, Captain. The place seem- 
ed to be in an uproar; lights everywhere, and we 
could hear a lot of shouting from where we were. 

Captain. Did you meet the man I told you of? 

Sergeant Thol. Yes, Captain. He arrived be- 
fore we'd been there ten minutes. Came straight 
from the town. [Handing paper.] Here's his re- 
port, sir. 

Captain [taking report and reading quickly 
through it]. Did he say anything .? 

Sergeant Thol. Yes, Captain. He said he was 
going back to Brentwood, and would see how things 
went on, and he would get another report off, if 
anything more happened. 

Captain. Did he say that it was safe for him to 
go back, then ? 

Sergeant Thol. Yes, sir. He said that no one 
paid any attention to him, and he could go where 
[49] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

he chose. He said that every one was in the street 
singing songs. 

Captain. Right! Anything more to report? 

Sergeant Thol. Yes, Captain. On the way 
back we were overtaken by two men on bicycles. 
We heard them coming. They ran right into us. 
They were scouts. 

Captain. How did you know .? 

Sergeant Thol. They were talking loudly to 
each other. 

[Captain chuckles.] 

Captain. Yes. Did they see you ? 

SergeantThol. Yes, sir; andwentback again fast. 
I couldn't have captured them without firing, and 
your orders were not to fire unless it was necessary. 

Captain. Were they in uniform } 

Sergeant Thol. Yes, sir; in khaki. 

Captain. How do you know ? 

Sergeant Thol. Saw it by the light of their 
lamps, sir. 

[Captain chuckles.] 

Captain. Is that all ^ 

Sergeant Thol. Yes, sir. We cut all the wires 
along the line on our way back. 

Captain. Very good! That will do. 

Sergeant Thol. Off saddle, sir .? 
[50] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Captain. No; just loosen girths, water, and feed. 
Sergeant Thol. Yes, sir. 

[Salutes and exits.] 
Captain [across to telephone, handing report to 
Telephone Orderly]. Send this report to the 
Commandant. 

Telephone Orderly [picks up receiver]. Hullo! 
You can't telephone it, it's in cypher. Who's it 
from, sir ? 

[Looking at It.] 
Captain. Lieutenant Telbeg, 7th Reserve Regi- 
ment. [Back to table. To himself — looks at note- 
book.] Now, who was he .? [Ticks.] Ah, Telbeg, 
7th Reserve Regiment, employed as head -waiter. 
Royal Hotel, Brentwood. Orderly! Sergeant Garth. 
[Tick — chains.] 

[Captain rises, goes across to win- 
dow-seat, and touches Lieutenant 
RiAN Hobart on the shoulder, wak- 
ing him up.] 
Up you get, Rian. Things will be moving soon. 
Time you started. Some coffee for you on the table. 
Lieutenant [jumps up, stretches, shakes his coat 
into position, puts his boots on]. Any news ? 

Captain [going in front of table to fireplace]. 
Nothing much. 

[51] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Lieutenant. The old man been going for you 
again ? 

Captain. What do you mean ? 

Lieutenant. Why, the lord of this castle. 

Captain. No, thank goodness; talked himself out 
yesterday, I should hope. Rude old man, wasn't he .^ 

Lieutenant [crossing and pouring out coffee]. 
Well, I suppose he was, judging by his manner. I 
don't profess to understand English enough to make 
out all the kind things he said about you. 

Captain. Thought I should have to tie him up 
at one time, but his family got him out of the room 
just before my patience was exhausted. 

[Enter Sergeant Garth,] 

Sergeant Garth [salutes]. You w^ant me, sir .? 

Captain. Horses all fed ? 

Sergeant Garth. Yes, sir. 

Captain. Men had their breakfasts ? 

Sergeant Garth. Yes, sir. Got all they could. 
There wasn't much about. 

Captain. Be ready to move at five minutes' notice. 

Sergeant Garth. Yes, sir. 

[Salutes and exits.] 

Lieutenant [drinking coffee]. I see this report 
says that some Volunteers, or something, would prob- 
ably leave Brentwood soon after this was sent. 
[52] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 



Captain. Yes, our patrols should be in touch with 
them by now. 

Lieutenant. We got any out ? 
Captain. No; ours are in. Second Squadron 
finding some, though. 

Lieutenant. Shall we hold on here at all } 
Captain. No; probably not, I should say. Got 
orders to be ready to fall back— northeast on to right 
of Second Corps. 

Lieutenant. Seems we're giving up rather a 
good position. 

[To right of piano, putting on 
sword, etc.] 
Captain. Wouldn't take long to regain it, if 
wanted. They can't bring anything big as far east 
as this for many hours. 

Lieutenant. Brentwood's a garrison town, isn't it ? 
Captain. Yes— no; there are barracks at Warley. 
Only one weak battalion, though, going abroad; 
two-thirds of 'em on furlough. Are you ready ? 

Lieutenant. Yes, I ordered my horse to be kept 
saddled. Is my party ready .? 

Captain. Yes. Warned 'em half an hour ago— 
ten men and a corporal. You know what to do ? 
Lieutenant [putting on helmet]. Yes, perfectly! 
Captain. We sha'n't be here much longer. When 
[53] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

you retire, you know the line we've taken, and where 
to find us. Off you go! Don't spare your horses. 

Lieutenant [puts coat over the left arm and 
draws himself up, clicks heels, salutes]. Very good, 
sir. 

[Exits by French window.] 
[Orderly salutes as he goes out.] 
Captain [going toward Telephone Orderly]. 
That gone through ^ 

No. I Orderly. Yes, sir. 
Captain. Any answer ? 
Orderly. Only acknowledgment, sir. 
[Horses trotting.] 

[Enter Geoffrey under guard of a 

soldier — No. 2 Super. He has the 

look of having slept in his clothes.] 

Captain. What is it .? What do you want .? Oh 

yes, I know — ^you wanted to see me. Well ? I'm 

afraid you've had a bad night. 

Geoffrey. Yes, I have. Now, look here, mister, 
what's the game ? 

Captain. I don't quite understand you. Have 
you any complaint to make ? 

Geoffrey. Have I any complaint to make .? Not 
much — oh, no ! I like that — why, I've got a cart-load ! 
Captain. Well.? 

[54] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Geoffrey. Do you know that ever since you came 
yesterday I've been in the scullery ? 

Captain. Yes. 

Geoffrey. With two of your muddy idiots of 
men sitting there, too! 

Captain. Ah! company for you! 

Geoffrey. Company! I'd get more company 
out of a dead rat. No matter what I said to them, 
they just sat there and grunted — like stuck pigs. 

CaptaiNo They don't understand English, per- 
haps. 

Geoffrey. They don't; and lucky for them, I 
can tell you, if they're touchy about their personal 
appearance. That wasn't so bad; but if I started 
out to leave them to themselves, they just stood in 
front of me, and made noises like a gramophone that 
can't grip the record — and there I was kept. 

Captain [to chair]. It was by my orders. 

Geoffrey. Oh, was it.? Well, what I want to 
know is, what right you had to give those orders ? 
I don't know what you're doing here and I don't 
care, but don't you imagine we're the Girls of Gotten- 
berg here. And if you're looking for a six-round 
contest with the British Army, you're welcome, but 
don't mix us up in it. I'm a private citizen, and 
you've no right to interfere with me! 
[55] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Captain. When I came, yesterday, you had a 
rifle in your hand. 

Geoffrey. Well, what of that .? Perhaps I'd 
been having a pot at the grouse. 

Captain. Ah, there are grouse here } Plentiful, eh ? 

Geoffrey. You'd hardly believe me — can't get to 
sleep sometimes for the noise they make chirruping. 

Captain. One does not usually shoot grouse with 
a rifle — a military rifle. 

Geoffrey. Ah, perhaps not where you come from 
— we have to keep 'em down best way we can. Some 
use poison. I prefer a rifle myself, it's more sporting. 

Captain. You're a humorist, Mr. Smith. 

Geoffrey. Hope you haven't broken anything 
finding that out. 

[Meets Telephone Orderly, who 
hands a message to Captain, who 
reads it, writes an answer, while he 
goes on talking to Geoffrey.] 

Captain. Are you a Volunteer ? 

Geoffrey. Not much — I'm not! I tell you I'm 
a harmless citizen — a looker-on, one of the crowd. 
And I want to get away from here and get a good 
seat for the circus. 

Captain. As one of the crowd, you'd no right to 
have a rifle. 

[56] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Geoffrey. Oh, chuck the rifle! I tell you, it 
wasn't mine. I shouldn't know how to make the 
thing go off. I wish I did; I might have sent you to 
bed for a week or two. 

Captain. What was it doing here ? 

Geoffrey. It was left 'ere by a pal of mine. 
He's a fire-eater, one of the old Guard. Lucky for 
you he wasn't here when you came. 

Captain. Where is he .? 

Geoffrey How should I know ? He's gone, and 
I want to go too. I tell you, I'm quite harmless. If 
the British Army returns this visit of ceremony, 
they'll play the game. They won't be bullying a lot 
of harmless men in your country. 

Captain [dryly]. Perhaps not. But then, you 
see, where I come from none of the men are harm- 
less. Now, where do you want to go ? 
[Geoffrey sits.] 

Geoffrey. What's that matter ? I tell you, I'm 
fed up with the scullery. [Rises suddenly.] I want 
to go somewhere where I can talk to some one who'll 
appreciate me. 

[Flask business.] 

[Telephone Orderly takes mes- 
sage.] 

Captain. Well, I'm really sorry I had to incon- 
[57] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

venlence you — for a bit. It won't be for much longer 
now. We shall be leaving here immediately, and 
then you can go — where you like. [Puts on coat.] 
In the mean time, if you've exhausted the pleasures 
of the scullery, you can stay here if you like. I don't 
suppose you're dangerous, eh ^ 
[Back to centre.] 
Geoffrey [crosses]. I shaVt go off, if that's 
what you mean. 

Captain. Orderly! Sergeant Garth. 

[No. I Orderly salutes and exits.] 
Geoffrey. I'm sure I hope you've been pretty 
comfortable here. 

[Captain puts on sword, left of 
piano.] 
Captain. Quite, thanks; felt quite as if we were 
at home. 

Geoffrey. Yes, I see; made the place look like 
it too — I don't think. D'you mind if I smoke? 
I'll try and not let the ash fall on the carpet. 
Captain. Ha! ha! 

[Enter Sergeant Garth. Salutes.] 
Sergeant Garth. You wish to see me, sir ^ 
Captain. We march at once. Any men out ? 
Sergeant Garth. Only those with the Lieu- 
tenant. 

[58] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Captain. Very good. Mount, and send my man 
for my kit. 

Sergeant Garth. Yes, sir. 
[Salutes — going.] 

Captain. Wait, Sergeant. Any compensation to 
pay these people ^ 

Sergeant Garth. You mean for damage, sir ? 

Captain. Yes. Anything broken, destroyed ? 

Sergeant Garth. No, sir, nothing of any con- 
sequence. 

Captain. Here you, he says nothing has been 
broken of any consequence. 

[To Geoffrey.] 

Geoffrey. My word ! You should see the kitchen ! 

Captain [to Sergeant]. What's wrong with the 
kitchen ^ 

Sergeant Garth. Nothing that I could see. 
Had to use it, sir — no fires allowed outside. 

Captain. Bit dirty, I expect. You can wash up 
later. [To Geoffrey.] We don't compensate for 
dirt. 

Geoffrey. No, you wouldn't! Jolly kind of you 
not to expect us to buy it off you. Still, I suppose 
you won't miss it. You're generous, though — the 
smell's worth eightpence a cubic foot! 

Captain. Any stores taken .? 
[59] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Sergeant Garth. There wasn't much, sir. 
But. . . . 

Captain. But you took what there was. All 
right, what's your estimate ? 

[Sergeant Garth hands paper. 
Captain reads.] 
Captain. Yes, that makes in English money about 
thirty shillings — say, twenty-five shillings. 
Geoffrey. Store prices ? 

Captain. Yes, with discount for cash. That will 
do, Sergeant. Orderly ? 

[Orderly — No. 2 Super — turns and 
salutes.] 
Tell the owner of this house to come here. 
Geoffrey. Ugh!j What's that ? 

[Exit Orderly.] 
Captain. I have sent for the proprietor of the 
house. 

Geoffrey. What do you want him for .? 

[Captain dismisses Telephone Or- 
derly. Enter man to collect Cap- 
tain's kit.] 
Captain. Compensate him — for food and fuel. 
That's our rule — treat the public well. 

Geoffrey. Yes, but this isn't a public. I'd 
rather you did it than me — he's touchy. 
[60] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Captain. That's his lookout — he needn't take it. 

Geoffrey. Well, you heard him yesterday for a 
bit, before you cleared the court. That wasn't bad, 
I thought, for an impromptu after-breakfast effort, 
was it ? But I bet it's baby talk to what he's 
got to unload after a night in his room thinking 
it out. 

Captain. I'm getting used to that sort of thing. 
It does no good. I prefer your way of taking it — 
you're a philosopher! 

Geoffrey. What's that? 

Captain. Any one who makes the best of a very 
bad case. 

Geoffrey. Perhaps you're right. I'm a house- 
agent by profession. 

Captain. Ha! ha! 

[Enter Maggie.] 

Maggie. You want to see my father — ^you sent 
for him ^ 

Captain. Your pardon — er — lady. Yes, I want 
to see your father. 

Maggie. Yes. The man brought me the mes- 
sage, and I have come. 

Captain. But I would prefer to see your father. 

Maggie. Please let me do instead! My father is 
— isn't able! He cannot understand . . . 
[6i] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Captain. Not understand ? 

Maggie. He does not realize the situation. He 
is naturally very much upset. 

Geoffrey. Don't you understand I I told you 
what it would be! His steam-pressure's reached the 
limit, and the sight of you will about bust the boiler. 

Maggie. Please tell me ? 

Captain. I would rather have explained to your 
— to a man. My men have used — have taken 
food and fuel. For what they have taken I wish 
to pay. 

Maggie. There wasn't much. 

Captain. Perhaps not, but they took something. 

Geoffrey. They took all there jolly well was, 
and there's nothing left for the people in the house, 
and we mayn't go out and get any more — so there! 

Captain [to Maggie]. I hope the men were not 
rough ? 

Maggie. They were not gentle. 

Geoffrey. You bet! They don't look like sick- 
nurses, any of 'em! 

Captain. What would you ? They are soldiers — 
hungry soldiers, and they must have food. 

Geoffrey. Ho! Don't you be anxious about 
'em, Guv'nor! 

Maggie. I understand. 

[6z] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Captain. War is not gentle, and we are making 
war. 

Geoffrey. Yes, but we're not; that's what I 
complain of! 

Maggie. War is made by soldiers on soldiers. 
We are all he'pless here. We can do nothing. 

Geoffrey. No, that's what I say — we're specta- 
tors. Leave us alone to look on. 
Captain. Well, then, you must pay for your seat. 
Geoffrey. Perhaps, but not for your refresh- 
ments. 

Captain. I do not require you to. Here is your 
payment. 

[Gives order form.] 
[Enter Sergeant Garth and exit.] 
Sergeant Garth. All ready, sir. 
Captain. Right. I am sorry, lady, that even so 
small an instance of the realities of war has come to 
your notice. And I am sorrier that my duty has 
made me responsible for it. You are now at liberty 
to go where you please. Mr. Smith, you can now 
wash up. 

[Clicks his heels, salutes, and exits.] 
[Outside some words of command: 
"Prepare to mount! Mount! Half- 
section! Right! Walk! March! 
[63] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Trot!" Maggie goes to the window 
and looks out. It is now daylight, 
and the fog is clearer; and as the 
scene goes on, the light outside gets 
brighter, but is never quite clear, 
occasional clouds of fog coming on. 
No one turns the gas out in the 
room, and the gas-lights look pale 
and give the room a still more dis- 
sipated look.] 
Geoffrey. So I'm a philosopher, am I .? A man 
who makes the best of things — puts a good face on 
'em! Well, my friend, I'd like to put a good face 
on you — when you were looking the other way! 
I'd— 

[Enter Amy followed by Ada, the 
former looking bright and jolly; 
but Ada's hair is a mop, and she 
looks a bit bedraggled.] 
Amy. Well, Geoff — frightened them away ? 
Geoffrey. Hullo, Amy! 

Ada. Have they gone — really gone ? Will they 
come back ^ 

Geoffrey. I dunno, Ada. If you go and wave 
your handkerchief out of the turret, perhaps they 
will. But don't count on it! Where's the Guv'nor ^ 
[64] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 



Amy. Oh, GeofF, wasn't Dad funny ? I thought I 
should burst! 

Ada. Mr. Brown has gone to find a poHceman. 

Geoffrey. What's the good of that ? 

Amy. Oh, Dad's just wild! I've never seen him 
like this before. He says it's a practical joke! 

Geoffrey. Does he ? Well, now, I wonder! 

Ada. What do you wonder ? 

Geoffrey. I was wondering — 

Ada. Yes ? 

Geoffrey. What your brother would think of it. 

Ada. I expect he'd have known what to make of it. 
He's smart, I can tell you. 

Amy. I think he was rather nice-looking. 

Geoffrey. Who ? 

Amy. Did you hear him say he was a prince, 
Geoff? 

Geoffrey. Couldn't say! He's not like the 
princes I've met. 

Ada [picking up half a sausage]. What's this ? 

Geoffrey. His Royal Highness' breakfast. And 
that reminds me : Maggie says the larder's bare, but 
we might find something to cheer us up. Anyway, 
I'm going to look. Come along. Amy. 
[Exits.] 
Amy. There's some cheese and biscuits up in my 
[65] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

room. Jane brought 'em up last night. Coming, 
Ada? 

[Amy and Ada exit.] 
[Paul appears at the French window. 
He is muddy from head to foot, and 
dead white from fatigue, hunger, etc. 
Maggie starts back from the win- 
dow as he comes in. He goes past 
her, and sinks on to window-seat 
without speaking.] 
Maggie. Paul! Oh, Paul, what's the matter? 
What does it all mean ? 

Paul [quiet, tired voice]. Don't you know — ^what 
it means ? 

Maggie. Yes, yes; of course I know what it means 
— that is, I think I do! But how — how did they do 
it, Paul ? 
Paul. What's happened here ? 
Maggie. They came yesterday. They didn't do 
anything. They were here — and — we didn't do 
anything. We didn't see — we never went out. He 
wouldn't let us go out. We were all kept in our 
rooms — they said it would be dangerous for us. 
Paul. And then they went away ? 
Maggie. Yes, they went away — now — just this 
moment. And, Paul, where have they gone to ? 
[66] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

They did nothing — and will they come back ? They 
said they were coming back! I couldn't understand 
all they said. Why, what are they doing? What 
does it all mean — what will they do — tell me ? 

[During this speech Maggie has 
got a little more excited, and finishes 
it down by Paul, with her hand beat- 
ing on his shoulder as he sits on 
window-seat with his head buried in 
his hands.] 
Paul. They are coming back; yes, they will 
come back! 

Maggie. Why, why ? And where have they gone 
to.? 

Paul. I don't know. They came here yesterday, 
and I saw them. I saw them after I left you — two 
or three of them — and I heard them talking, and 
couldn't understand what they said. And I didn't 
know what they could be, and I followed them in the 
fog. And they met some more — and then I met 
some more. They were all alike — and then they 
were everywhere. I turned up lots of roads — and 
there they were, everywhere. Sometimes they shout- 
ed at me, but no one stopped me. And I went on to 
Brentwood, and the fog got thicker, and when I got 
there it was quite dark! I found they knew it — 
[67] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

every one there knew it. Not much — not any details; 
but they knew they'd landed and were coming. 
Every one was rushing about, talking and shouting, 
and I rode about to find some one — some one to tell 
what I had seen — some one who would do something. 
They were all rushing about talking and shouting, 
and I couldn't find any one to tell me what to do 
and where to go, and I went backward and forward 
— here and there. I was tired, but I couldn't stop! 
Then I rode out again along the roads to see what 
was happening, and then back — I went backward 
and forward, backward and forward — 

Maggie. Yes, Paul, yes ? 

Paul. Then they shouted that all the Volunteers 
were to go to the Town Hall and assemble there, 
and I went and waited and waited, and more came, 
but no one to tell us anything, and I couldn't wait 
any longer and do nothing, and I went away again. 
And then I went back, and there were more there 
and more coming. And we waited — oh, for hours, 
and heaps of people were there, singing and shout- 
ing, and giving us drink. But no one to give us any 
orders. Every one was ordering diflPerent things at 
the same time, and we fell in and then broke off and 
went away again, and back again — and at last some 
officers came out of the Town Hall, and one of them 
[68] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

— I don't know who he was — came over to us and 
began talking, and we were told to wait till the 
ammunition was served out. 
Maggie. Yes! 

Paul. And he said he wanted some on bicycles to 
go out and reconnoitre, and I had a bicycle and start- 
ed out with another man. And we went off in the 
fog — it was very dark, and we came on some of them 
on the road, and they shouted to us, but I rode away, 
and then I didn't know where the other man was, 
and I waited under a hedge, but didn't see them 
again. And then I rode on here. I was told to 
come — somewhere about here, and I was to report — 
but I don't know where or who to, and there's noth- 
ing to report, except that they've gone away from here, 
and I don't know where they've gone to. And I 
ought to go after them, I suppose, but I can't go on 
any farther. I'm fairly done up, I am. I can't go 
on any more, and I don't know anything — nobody 
knows anything — nobody! 

[During this speech, which he begins 
quietly, Paul works himself up to 
an excited state and walks about. 
Then from fatigue gets hysterical, 
and finally sits at the table and 
sobs.] 

6 [69] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

[Toward the end of the speech 
Geoffrey comes in. He carries 
some drink — say, half a bottle of 
whiskey and some soda-water. He 
stands and listens to Paul.] 
Maggie. Paul, don't! Oh, don't! 
Paul. They can only shout and sing. 
Maggie. There, dear, there! It's all right, and 
they've gone away, and you must rest — you're so 
tired. 

Geoffrey. I say, Paul, old man, just you sit still 
and don't worry about it. 

Maggie. Yes, and you must have something to 
eat — if we can find it. And oh, how wet and dirty 
your things are! You must take them all off and 
put on some of Reggie's. 

Geoffrey [handing him some whiskey]. There, 
old chap! This is what you're looking for, isn't it? 
Now then, buck up, and don't think any more 
about it. 

[Sits.] 
Maggie. Yes, Paul, don't think about it any 
more. What does it matter — to us ? We'll soon 
clean the house up again. 

Geoffrey. Of course we will, and will have a 
high old time. I expect we shall see some fun, but 
[70] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

It ain't our job, old fellow. Oh, it'll be great — 
shouldn't wonder if it doesn't mean a few days off 
at the office! Have another? 

[Enter Amy and Ada with some 
odds and ends of food.] 

Amy. I say, Geoff, this is great! Why, there's 
Paul! Oh, Paul, you do look a sight! What have 
you been doing ? 

Geoffrey. There, don't you notice him, Amy; 
he's been making a night of it — a fair old ricketty- 
racketty, and he's just dropped in for a pick-me-up. 

Amy. And he must have wanted picking up lots 
of times. Thought you were a real soldier, eh, 
Paul ^ Now, Geoff, here's a picnic, and it won't 
go far among the lot. Luckily, Paul won't have 
much of an appetite. Syd's gone out to try and get 
some sardines or something. We must boil the 
kettle in here. Why, bless me, the window's open 
— and, I say, Geoffrey, the fog's cleared, and it's 
going to be a decent day. 

Geoffrey. Good egg! Come along, bustle up, 
and we'll have a day out somehow. Now then, Paul, 
get away and find some decent togs — something not 
quite so conspicuous, and we'll have a rare old 
beano. 

Paul [standing up]. Are you all mad ,? Don't 
[71] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

any of you understand ? How can you stand here 
and laugh and joke in the same rotten old way ? 
Why, can't you understand what's happened — not 
even you, Maggie ? You can all talk, and say it's 
nothing to do with us, that it's not our business, and 
that you can just stay here and amuse yourselves, 
and that everything is going on in the same old way, 
and all you can think of it is that you'll get a few 
days more away from the office! Don't you realize 
it yet — that the whole damned country is coming 
down like a house of cards, and that you, and thou- 
sands like you, are saying it's not your business, and 
as long as it doesn't interfere with you, let it go on ? 
And others are just the same, shouting and singing 
rotten music-hall songs, and thinking they're just 
going to see some fun! Fun — oh, my God! 
Amy. What's the matter with you, Paul ? 
Geoffrey. What ho, old man! All right. Amy, 
of course it's the whiskey on an empty stomach, 

Ada. Really, Paul, I think you forget where you 
are. 

[Noise and shouting heard on all 
sides by men outside and inside the 
house, such as, "This way!" "Where 
are you going to?" "Here's the 
place!" "Which is the way in ?" 



I 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

"Where's the door ?" "Where's the 
owner ?'* " Are we downhearted ?" 
and an occasional laugh.] 

Maggie. They've come back! 

Geoffrey. No; that's English! 

[Enter quickly at French windows 
two Volunteers, followed by a 
Captain Finch, and two more men 
by door, shown left. The Volun- 
teers are mostly dressed in uniform, 
one or two of them incomplete, some 
in service dress, some in dress uni- 
form. They are all more or less 
excited, and during the whole Vol- 
unteer scene the impression of lack 
of discipline is apparent. Every 
one shows keenness, but it is occa- 
sionally misdirected, and sometimes 
they allow their attention to wander 
from the business in hand; for 
example, some of them study the 
photographs; one might take up 
the diabolo sticks, and try a spin; 
and altogether, while all show that 
they are full of fight, no idea of the 
serious side of the business in hand 
[73] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

seems to strike some of them. 
Captain Finch is very excited, 
fussy, nervously important, not being 
quite sure of himself and his powers 
of command. His uniform is very 
correct. He has sv^ord, v^histle, 
haversack, glasses, compass, revolver, 
etc. Rather stout, lacking in dignity, 
and has a beard. He has every 
possible thing on.] 
Captain Finch. Are you the owner of this house .? 

Where is he } I want to see him. 
Maggie. My father is out. 

[Paul is now quiet again, and re- 
covered. He salutes.] 
Captain Finch [to Paul]. Who are you ? What 

are you doing here .? Hang it! Where's the Color 

Sergeant ? Where's Mr. Jackson ^ 
[Back to window.] 
[One or two Volunteers rush in at 
doors, and rush out again, excited 
and confused. A Corporal is at 
garden door, talking heatedly, en- 
deavoring to gain some sort of order 
with expressions such as, "What are 
you standing here for ?" "Get away 
[74] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

and fall in outside." "Come along!" 
Outside a voice is heard on the lawn, 
saying, "Now, fall in there — fall in 
number!" "As you were." "Left 
dress." "Where's the rest of the 
Company?" "Stop talking, I say!" 
"Will you stop talking," etc.] 
[Captain Finch back.] 
Paul. I'm a scout, sir. 

Captain Finch. Scout— what for.? What are 
you doing here ? What have you seen .? What are 
your orders ? 

[Enter Volunteers.] 
Paul. I was sent along the road to see — 
Captain Finch. Yes, yes— what road ? 
Paul. The road from Brentwood. 
Captain Finch. Oh, never mind what damned 
road you went along! Have you seen anything.? 
Where are the enemy ? Surely you've got eyes in 
your head ? 

[Volunteers in the room are sitting 
down. Some have lit cigarettes, some 
looking at photographs, and showing 
curiosity in the music, books, etc.] 
Paul. Yes, sir; I saw several of the enemy — 
scouting parties, I think! 

[75] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

[Volunteers at piano. One-finger 

playing. Three at window, talking.] 

Captain Finch. Yes, yes. Where? Oh, will 

you stop that noise ? How can I hear what this man 

is saying if you make a row like that .f' Yes; now 

tell me, where did you see them ? 

Paul. On the road, sir. 

Captain Finch. My good man, you've said that 
before! Which road ? 

Paul. Between here and Brentwood. 
Captain Finch. What's the good of telling me 
that ? That's the road we've come along. Where 
the hell is that Color Sergeant .? 

[Exit Paul, to find Color Ser- 
geant.] 
Can't any of you men find him, instead of — ? 

[Enter Mr. Jackson, the lieutenant. 
Tall, thin, very young boy in uni- 
form.] 
Captain Finch. Well, Mr. Jackson, and where 
have you been ? 

[Geoffrey to fender.] 
Jackson. Oh, we lost the way. 
Captain Finch. Lost the way .? 

[Maggie to back of Amy's chair.] 
Jackson. Yes, we followed B Company into 
[76] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 



the house over the way— didn't know where you'd 
gone to. 

Captain Finch. If you'd been in your proper 
place, you'd have seen which way I came. I can't 
be everywhere, and tell every single man where he 
is to go! Have you seen the Color Sergeant ? 

Jackson. No, sir, he wasn't with me. 

Captain Finch. And where are your men ? 

Jackson. I've lost some of them, but I've got 
about twenty outside, waiting. 

Captain Finch. Well, for goodness' sake, don't 
stand talking here, but get to work! 

Jackson. Very good, sir; but what do you want 
me to do ? 

Captain Finch. Oh, God! You know as well 
as I do what we've got to do! We're to hold on 
here, and here's what you've got to do! 
[Feeling in pockets.] 

Jackson. Here! [To Men.] Fall in outside 

there, d'ye hear? 

[Volunteers exit.] 
[Enter Color Sergeant at window. 
Stout old soldier— Regular.] 
Color Sergeant. You want me, sir ? 
Captain Finch. Want you? Of course I do! 
Where on earth have you been hiding yourself? 
[77] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Color Sergeant. I've been outside, sir, getting 
the men together. They are all over the place. 

Captain Finch. Well, you'd no business to let 
'em get all over the place! Have you got them all 
together, now ? 

Color Sergeant. Pretty well, sir. There are 
some stragglers to come in yet. 

Captain Finch. Oh, damn! Never mind, we 
can't wait for them now — we must get a move on. 
Now, here's what we've got to do! 

[Feels in pockets again.] 

[Enter Corporal through window 

— No. 5 Super.] 

Corporal. Is the Captain here? 

Captain Finch. Well, what is it ? 

Corporal. Please, sir, there's a man taken very 
bad. 

Captain Finch. Taken bad I What do you 
mean ? What's the matter with him ? 

Corporal. I don't know, sir. He's feeling sick. 

Captain Finch. Oh, well, ah — hang it all, I 
can't do anything! What do you come to me 
for? 

Corporal. I don't know what to do with him, 
sir. 

Captain Finch. Oh, let him lie down. 
[78] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 



Corporal. He is lying down, sir. He can't get 

up. 

Geoffrey. Sit on his head. 

Captain Finch. Yes— no. Well, carry him in 
here. No, take him into the kitchen. 

Geoffrey [with meaning]. Kitchen! He won't lie 

down there. 

Captain Finch. Do something— do anything, only 

don't bother me! 

[Exit Corporal.] 

[Color Sergeant moves up to 
window.] 
I've got too much to do! Now, Color Sergeant, 
where are you going ? 

Color Sergeant. I thought I'd better see after 

him, sir. 

Captain Finch. You just stop here while I tell 
you what to do. Now, this is our post— our position 
— you understand ? 

Color Sergeant [comes back.] Yes, sir. We 

stop here. 

[Two Volunteers at window.] 
Captain Finch. And we're to rake up this posi- 
tion. Where the devil is my note-book .? [Crosses 
to table; searches pockets and haversack, produces 
from latter a flask, gloves, bottle of soda-water, large 
[79] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

packet of sandwiches, map, etc., and finally note- 
book.] Now, pay attention! 

[The Color Sergeant has gone to 
the door to say something to an ex- 
cited Volunteer at window.] 
Color Sergeant, will you come here and listen 
to me ^ 
Color Sergeant. Right, sir. 

[To Volunteers.] 
Take his boots off and pour some water over him. 

Captain Finch. Now, here it is. Here are the 
orders! [Sits; reads.] "The enemy's men are some- 
where about — about" — oh, well, never mind. 

[Enter Volunteer at door — No. 6 
Super.] 
Volunteer. Mr. Jackson! 

Captain Finch. Yes; what do you want with him ^ 
Volunteer. Please, sir, what are the men out- 
side to do .? 

Jackson. Wait for me. I'll come out in a 
minute. 

Volunteer. Well, sir, they all seem rather tired 
of waiting. Some of them are going away to see 
what's happening. 

Jackson. Look here, I'll go out to them in a 
minute. 

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AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Captain Finch. Just go back and tell them Mr. 
Jackson will be out in a minute. 
[Exit Volunteer.] 

[Reads]. "The force under Colonel Trollope will 
advance Wickham and occupy it." There was a 
lot more which I didn't get down. There — um — um 
— something else. Oh, see, here it is! "Three 
Companies 3 V.B.E. will be on the extreme left of 
the town." There, you see — that's us. This is the 
extreme left, and this Company has got to hold on 
to this house. Do you understand, Jackson .? 

Jackson. Yes. 

Color Sergeant. Hold on to the house, sir? 
Yes, sir, make a defensive position of it, sir. 

Captain Finch. Of course, I've got that written 
down. [Reads.] "Each Company will strengthen 
its own position, and buildings and walls, etc., to be 
put in a state of defence." 

Jackson. Yes, I see. What shall I do to them ? 

Captain Finch. Do ? Why, God bless my soul, 
you know — you — er — ^you — why, you make de- 
fences. 

Color Sergeant. May I suggest, sir? 

Captain Finch. Well, what is it? 

Color Sergeant. That Lieutenant Jackson take 
the upper story with his men, sir; that you, sir, take 
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AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

the ground floor; and I will take the outside of the 
house, the garden, sir, with No. 4 Section, 

Captain Finch. That's a very good suggestion. 
Color Sergeant! Now, you understand that, Jack- 
son .? Take your men up-stairs, and put the top 
story to a state of defence ! 

Jackson [going]. Yes, I see. [Stops.] Shall I 
put all the furniture against the door — that sort of 
thing .? 

Captain Finch. Yes, yes! You know! The 
usual thing. It's all in the book. You tell him. 
Color Sergeant. 

Color Sergeant [like a parrot]. "Knock out all 
glass from windows, blind windows with mattresses, 
bales, carpets — make loopholes four feet six inches 
from ground line, arrange for supply of water for 
garrison, and earth for putting out fires." 

Captain Finch. There, then, you know it all. 
Get along, for goodness' sake, and get something done ! 
[Exit Mr. Jackson, looking doubt- 
ful of his powers.] 
[Enter Paul, window.] 

Now, Color Sergeant, send me some men. 

Color Sergeant. Yes, sir — how many, sir.? 

Captain Finch. Oh, a Section! Well, perhaps 
twelve will do — or ten. No — say half a dozen! 
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AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Color Sergeant. Half a dozen! Very good, sir. 

[Going.] 
Captain Finch [rises]. Oh, and Color Sergeant ? 
Color Sergeant. Yes, sir .? 

Captain Finch. Come back here the moment 
you've told your men what to do — see ? 
Color Sergeant. Yes, sir. 

Captain Finch. I'm not going to have you slop- 
ing off again! 

[Exit Color Sergeant.] 
Paul [comes down]. What shall I do, sir ? 
Captain Finch. You — what are you ? Why are 
you here ? 

[Enter Jackson.] 
Jackson. How many men shall I put in each room ? 
Captain Finch. Oh, only a few. 

[Enter six Volunteers at garden 

door.] 
Jackson. A few ? What do you mean by a few .'' 
Captain Finch. Why, two or three. 

[Up stage, back to audience.] 
Jackson. All right. 

[Exit.] 
Captain Finch. Now then, you men, just put 
this room in a state of defence. 

[Jackson re-enters.] 
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AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

JacKvSON. I say, would you put two or three — 

Captain Finch. Oh, hell! Why, put two in 
small rooms and three in the large rooms. 
[Exit Jackson.] 

[Double cross. Finch up stage; 
Paul down stage.] 

[To men in room.] Now, look here, first thing 
you've got to do is — 

[Enter Color Sergeant.] 

Color Sergeant. Please, sir, which is our 
front ? 

Captain Finch. Our front ? 

Color Sergeant. Yes, sir; which is the direction 
of the enemy ? 

Captain Finch. Why, surely you know that t 
We've to face east — that is, why [doubtfully point- 
ing in a half-circle], over there. [To Paul.] Here, 
you know where the enemy are, don't you ? 

Paul. No, sir; not now. They were here less 
than an hour ago. 

Captain Finch. Here less than an hour ago ? 
Why the blazes didn't you tell me that before .? They 
can't be far off, and here you all stand doing noth- 
ing. Where are they now, eh "i Which way did 
they go ? 

Paul. I don't know. 

[84] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 



Captain Finch. You don't know! You saw 
them here, and don't know which way they went ? 

Maggie. They went off, and started along the 
road to — 
Captain Finch. Yes, yes ? 

Maggie. They went away trotting, and seemed 
in a hurry. 

Captain Finch. Which direction ? 
Maggie. Over there. [Points.] 
Captain Finch. Of course. There, that is the 
direction of the enemy. That's your front — see, 
Color Sergeant — that! 

[Makes a sweep with his arm.] 
Color Sergeant. I see, sir — with the flank thrown 
back ? 

Captain Finch. Of course with the flank thrown 
back! Exactly, with the tank thrown flat — the 
tank blown^oh, damn! 

Color Sergeant. Very good, sir. 
[Exit.] 

[At this moment considerable noise 
heard off", upstairs. Noise of break- 
ing glass falling and furniture being 
moved about, mingled with angry 
shouts of expostulation.] 
Captain Finch. And look here. Color Sergeant, 
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AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

look sharp about coming back. I shall want you. 
[To his men.] Now, you men, why the blazes don't 
you set to work I 

[Paul exits with two men.] 

Volunteer. Yes, sir; what shall we do ? 

Captain Finch. Get all the furniture piled up 
this side of the room. 

[Two Volunteers move piano down 
to window. Two Volunteers move 
sofa up to window-seat.] 

[To Geoffrey.] I must ask you and these ladies 
to leave the room. You will be in the way, and will 
be very — er — uncomfortable here. 

Amy. Nonsense; it's our house! 

Geoffrey. That's all rot, you know. We shall 
be just as comfortable here as in any other part of 
the castle, as far as I can see. Even the eastern 
turret seems a bit upset, and, mark you, I'm not 
going back to the dungeon — I should say, the 
scullery! We want to see all the fun, and there'll 
be some in a minute. 

Ada. I hope you'll put all this furniture back in 
its position! 

Captain Finch. Now, some of you others, don't 
stand gaping there! Just push the glass out of the 
windows. 

[86] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Volunteer. What with, sir ? 

Another Volunteer. That's easy work. 

[Bang the butts of their rifles through 
the window.] 

[Others do the same, and then the 
others set to work, some moving 
the piano, table, etc., over toward 
window -seat. Enter Paul and 
Two Volunteers with mattresses. 
Shouts outside from Mr. Brown.] 

Brown [outside, shouts]. Where is he ? Who's 
responsible for this tomfoolery ? 

[Enter Mr. Brown, just purple and 
spitting with rage in the middle of 
the room.] 

[Yells]. Stop! 

[For an instant everybody stops, 
and while he goes on speak- 
ing gradually go on with their 
work.] 

Who is responsible for this ? Who is the leader 
of this — this band ? 

Captain Finch. I command here. 

Brown. You ? Who are you ? You burglar! 

Captain Finch. I am Captain Finch. 

Brown. What right have you got to come into a 
[87] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

private house and destroy it ? What right have you 
got to come in at all ? 

Captain Finch. Those were my orders. 

Brow^n. Orders? You — orders in my house ! Is 
this a mad-house broken loose ? Stop all this at 
once, sir, put the furniture back in its place, and 
leave the house! 

Captain Finch. But — my orders ? 

Brown. Those are my orders — the orders of the 
only man who has any right to give them in this house. 

Captain Finch. But I must defend the house. 

Brown. Nonsense, sir! Stop your men at once, 
do you hear ? And put the things where you found 
them! If you must play this absurd and foolish 
game, go outside and do it in the middle of the road! 
Why, hang it, sir, you're as bad as those masquer- 
ading ruffians who were here last night! 

Captain Finch. God bless my soul, but those are 
the enemy! 

Brown. Then, sir, why the devil don't you go 
after them, instead of — instead of — housebreaking 
here ? Once for all, I won't have it, and out you 
go! And if you've come here to find those scoundrels 
who invaded my privacy last night — 

[Paul crosses from top window to 
bottom.] 

[88] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

— talking some incomprehensible language, and not 
understanding the plain English I gave them — if 
you're looking for them — in the name of common- 
sense, go and look for them where they're likely 
to be found! I won't have you here! I'm a tax- 
payer and a citizen, and I will not have this non- 
sense ! 

Captain Finch [who, during the last speech of 
Brown, has been trying to interrupt, at last loses 
his temper]. Damn it, sir — 

Brown. Don't swear at me, sir. 
Captain Finch. I tell you, the enemy — the 
enemy's army — may be here, sir — here at any 
moment! 

Brown. Well, sir, what of that ? Is that any 
reason why my house should be turned into a tea- 
garden — I should say, a bear-garden .'' I'm not 
afraid. So now, perhaps — 

[A few distant shots are heard dur- 
ing this speech. Color Sergeant 
comes in from garden, quite cool and 
collected, and reports.] 
Color Sergeant. They're firing in our front, 
sir. 

[At the same time Jackson rushes in, 
wildly excited, but hugely pleased]. 
[89] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Jackson [shouts]. I say, they've kicked off over 
there! 

[At this the Captain rushes about, 
placing the men — here and there — 
at the windows. No one quite 
knows where to go, but all stand 
boldly at open windows, and Brown 
stands addressing a non-interested 
crowd. At the signs of something 
really happening his talk gets slower, 
and his voice drops and he remains 
alone. The girls remain close to 
the fireplace with Syd, who came in 
after Brown. Geoffrey, full of 
interest, as he would be looking on 
at a football match, is standing on 
a table to get a good view out of the 
windows, over the heads of the men 
defending it.] 
Captain Finch, [looking out of all windows]. 
Now, then, keep a good lookout; if you see any- 
thing, fire at it. 

[Volunteers load.] 
What is that ? 

[Present.] 
No, don't fire; it's one of our own! 
[90] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

[There is a moment's absolute quiet, 
with a faint noise of distant firing, 
when the swish of a bullet coming in 
through the window is heard, and 
the noise of a body being hit — a 
noise like a racket-ball hit against 
clay — and a crash. Geoffrey just 
falls, quietly and limply, shot through 
the heart, and small statuet over 
mantelpiece falls — broken.] 



END OF THE SECOND ACT 



THE THIRD ACT 



THE THIRD ACT 

Same scene, one hour later. The room is a Httle more 
knocked about — some splinters out of piano and window- 
frames. It has been under distant shell fire. Window 
openings toward enemy have been barricaded and strength- 
ened with mattresses, rolls of carpets, rugs, and matting. 
There is a smell of gunpowder. When curtain rises, old 
Brown is on hearthrug, back to fire. A wounded man is 
by bookcase; Maggie is kneeling at his head, arranging 
cushions; Paul behind her, helping. Four Volunteers 
are at window, looking out. Amy, crouching by fireplace, 
quietly crying. When curtain is right up, noise and flash 
of bursting shell outside. Maroon, followed by distant 
artillery fire at intervals. Boom and pom-pom. This 
continues through Act, but is stopped just before a shell 
passes over or where there is a maroon. Amy gives a slight 
scream — like a hiccough — and puts her hands to her ears. 

Brown. Damn them! 

First Volunteer. Fairly got the range — now^. 
Second Volunteer. One-sided sort of game, I 
call this. 

[95] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Paul. Maggie, I do wish you'd go. 

Maggie. Where do you want me to go to ? 

Paul. Anywhere out of this. It's safest in the 
hall; nothing could touch you there, and you could 
sit there till it's over. 

Maggie. What should I do all alone there in the 
hall — ^just sit there and shudder.? 

Paul. But you'd be safer. 

Maggie. No, Paul, I couldn't stand it. I'd 
rather stay here and do something. [Bends over 
wounded man.] Amy! [Louder] Amy! 

Amy [jerks out a high-pitched hysterical] Yes! 

Maggie. Go and get me some water. 

Amy [frightened, and speaks in a sort of shud- 
dering way, but totters about doing all that she 
is told to do]. Water — yes, water. [Totters slowly 
and feebly to the door.] What shall I bring 
it in ? 

Maggie. A jug, and bring a glass. 

Amy. Water — in a jug; and a glass. 
[Exits.] 

[Enter Captain Finch through cen- 
tre window. He is still very fussy 
and excited, irritable, etc.] 

Captain Finch. Two more men hit out there — 
curse these fellows! Why don't they come closer 
[96] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

and let us have a go at them ? [Sees wounded man.] 
Hullo, what's this ? 

Paul. Hit in the chest, sir — shrapnel bullet — 
about ten minutes ago. 

Captain Finch. Who is it.? What's his name, 
eh .'* Can't you tell me what his name is .? 

Paul. I don't know him, sir — never seen him 
before to-day. 

Third Volunteer [at down-stage window]. I 
think it's a man named Green, sir. 

Captain Finch. Is he in my Company ^ 

Maggie. Yes; his name is Green, and he's in your 
Company. 

Paul. I'm afraid it's pretty serious. 

Captain Finch. Can't we do anything for him .? 
What's the good of this .? Isn't there a doctor or 
something here — anywhere ? 

Paul. I don't know. 

Captain Finch. There was one, I know; I heard 
them shouting for him when we were leaving Brent- 
wood. But I don't know where he's to be found. 
Can't you do anything .'' 

Maggie. I don't know how to stop the bleeding. 
I'm so useless. 

[Shell passing over and exploding. 
Enter Amy with jug of water and 
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AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

glass just as another shell crash is 
heard outside. She sways against 
door-post as the shell bursts. Hoarse 
screams of a man hit outside dying 
off into groans. Voice of Color 
Sergeant outside.] 
Color Sergeant. Now then, my lad, not so 
much noise about it. 

[Cross Finch down to window and 
Paul up. Amy totters across to 
Maggie, gives her the glass and 
jug, and sinks down by window-seat. 
Paul goes to window.] 
Brown. Curse them! curse them! 

[Maggie lifts wounded man's head 
and gives him water.] 
Amy. Ada's under the sofa in the dining-room. 
Maggie. What for ? 

Amy. Hiding, I think. I told her it was no good 
— no one would look for her. I believe she's got the 
funks. 

Maggie. Do you know where Sydney is ? 
Amy. No, I didn't see him — haven't seen him since 
he ran out of the room. 

[Shudders and back to fireplace.] 
Captain Finch [since shell burst has been fussily 

[98] 



AN EN GLISHMAN'S HOME 

looking out of window, searching ground with field- 
glasses]. I think I can see something — some men — 
two or three over there. [To Paul.] Here, you! 
Do you see — over there — at the edge of those 
trees ? There now, they're moving — can't you see 
them .? 

Paul. No, sir. Which trees .? 

Captain Finch [up to Paul]. Why, those tall 
trees — straight over the corner of that fence. Don't 
you see now ? 

First Volunteer. I think I can see something, 
but they're a long way off. 

Paul. I think it's out of range — that wood. 

Captain Finch. Nonsense. Of course it isn't. 
Have a shot at them anyway. 

[First Volunteer takes a long, 
steady aim, and fires.] 

Captain Finch [looking steadily with glasses]. 
That hasn't moved them. 

Paul. You never put your sight up. 

Captain Finch [up to window]. Damn it, man, 
what's the good of that ? Put your sight up. You 
want a nurse — shove it up to a thousand yards, and 
try again. 

Second Volunteer. More than that; I think it's 
a good mile. 

[99] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Third Volunteer. No, it isn't; I bet it's not 
half a mile. 

Captain Finch. Well, I say it's a thousand yards; 
try that, do you hear ? Now, have another shot — 
see if you can't shift 'em. 

[First Volunteer fires again.] 
You know, I don't think they are men, after all. 
Oh, damn these things; I can't get *em focussed. 
[Hands glasses to Paul.] Here, you have a try. 

[Shell just outside; little scream 
from Amy; muttered oath from old 
Brown; slight start back by group 
at window. Enter Doctor at win- 
dow door, covered with mud splash- 
ed up by bursting shell.] 
Doctor. Can I do anything for you ? I'm a doctor. 
Captain Finch. Oh, a doctor; that's good. Do 
anything ^ I should think you could. There are 
four or five outside. 

Doctor. I've seen them — only one I could do 
anything for. 

Captain Finch. Here's a man here rather bad, 
I'm afraid. His name's Green. He was hit in the 
chest somewhere — by a shrapnel bullet. 
[Back to window.] 
Doctor [vv^ho has gone toward wounded man]. 

[lOo] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Ah, yes! [To Maggie.] Allow me, please. [Kneels 
down in Maggie's place; Maggie stands between 
him and man's feet.] Have you done anything .'* 

Maggie. I didn't know what to do. He's bleed- 
ing a good deal, and I can't stop it. 

Doctor. Can you get me some water in a basin .? 

Maggie. Amy, bring some water in a basin. 

Amy [jerks up and totters to door]. Water in a 
basin — water in a basin. 

[As she enters door, enter Jackson; 
they almost collide.] 

Jackson. I beg your pardon. 

Doctor. And a sponge. 

Amy. All right. Water in a basin — and a sponge. 
[Exits.] 

Captain Finch. Hullo, Jackson, what is it ^ 
Have you got anything to report — got any men hit .? 
Have you seen anything ^ How are you getting on ^ 
Eh.? 

Jackson [very cheerfully]. No, we haven't seen 
anything. It's getting a bit dull up there, and we're 
rather tired of waiting for the fun to begin. I hope 
it won't be much longer. I came down to tell you 
about the fire — we're trying to put it out. 

Captain Finch. Putting the fire out! What fire .? 
[Enter Color Sergeant. Salutes.] 

8 [lOl] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Color Sergeant. The roof's on fire, sir. 

[Brown looks up, shakes his fist at 
the heavens, and mutters a curse.] 
Captain Finch [angry]. The roof! Who set fire 
to it? 

Color Sergeant [aggrieved]. The enemy, sir — 
shell fire. 

Captain Finch. Well, put it out. 
Jackson. We've tried to — ^jolly hard; but w^e've 
only got one pail and a water-jug, and we're getting 
the water out of a cistern. 

[Amy enters with basin and sponge; 
goes across behind Finch to Doctor, 
and gives it to him.] 
And the cistern is nearly empty, and the fire 
doesn't seem to mind it much. 

Captain Finch. But, look here, you know what '11 
happen if you can't put it out ? 

Jackson. Well, I suppose it will go on burning. 
Captain Finch. Of course it will; I know that. 
But what I mean is, will you be able to stop 
there ? 

Jackson [going]. Oh, we'll stop there as long as 
we can, you bet! 

Captain Finch. But what will you do if you 
can't ? 

[102] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 



Jackson [at door]. Why, we'll come down here, 

I suppose. 

[Exits.] 

Color Sergeant [has been standing at attention 
behind Captain]. A good many fires broken out on 
the right, sir. We sha'n't be able to hold on here 
much longer. 

Captain Finch. Don't talk nonsense, L^olor ber- 
geant! Of course we can hold on. Who's to turn 
us out .? There, you go back to your men and keep 
your eyes open-expect we shall be attacked before 

long. , • 1 

[Color Sergeant salutes and exits.] 

[Finch up with him; Amy across 
front.] 
Brown. Curse it all, sir, are you going to let these 
blackguards have it all their own way ? 

Captain Finch. What do you mean ? What can 
we do to 'em ? 

Brown. Why don't you let them have it ? 

[Maroon.] 
Captain Finch. Eh ? 
Brown. Why don't you fire, sir ? 
Captain Finch. There's nothing to fire at. 

[Pause. Captain goes to window. 
Shell. Shout in garden.] 
[103I 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Brown. They seem to have something to fire 
at! 

Captain Finch. Yes. But they've got something 
to fire with. They've got guns. 

Brown. Then why don't you fire at them .? Call 
yourself a soldier, indeed! 

Captain Finch. Because, Mr. Brown, the guns 
are a long way off, and we can't see them, and we 
don't know where they are. 

Brown [snorts]. Disgusting ignorance! 

[Doctor has been sponging wound, 

plugging it with cotton wool, etc., 

and is bandaging it. This is only 

implied by his action; actual detail 

hidden by Maggie standing between 

him and audience.] 

Doctor [to Maggie]. You know, you ladies 

oughtn't to be here; it's too exposed. That officer 

should have sent you away. 

Maggie. He tried to, but we refused; we'd rather 
stay here. 

Doctor. Why ? 

Maggie. Oh, I couldn't go away. I feel safer 
here doing something. Besides, I shouldn't know 
where to go. I'd rather stay here. 

Doctor. But, you see, you're no good here. I 
[104] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

don't wish to be unkind, but you don't know any- 
thing. You can't be of any use, so you'd much better 
be out of danger. 

[Captain Finch down to window. 
Paul on chair.] 

Maggie. No, I've never learned. I know I'm 
no use, but I must stay here. 

Paul [at window with glasses — having got chair, 
standing up on it]. Hullo, I believe I see some of 
them advancing — some skirmishers. 

Captain Finch. No — do you ^ Where are they .? 
[Sets chair at back of him.] Where are they ? Show 
me. 

Paul [handing the glasses]. Do you see that field 
over that white house there ? 

Captain Finch. Which white house.? 
[Chair in front of Paul.] 

Paul [pointing]. That one — there — with the two 
tall chimneys. 

Captain Finch. Yes, yes — I see, but I don't see 
any skirmishers. 

Paul. They're not there. Do you see the field 
over the white house ? 

Captain Finch. Of course I do. Well .? 

Paul. Well, right away at the right top corner of 
that field — Do you see, behind the fence — there — 
[105] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

there — now there are some men coming through it — • 
a few. Do you see ? 

Captain Finch. Yes. By Jove, now I see them! 
Let's open fire at 'em. 

Paul. I think it's better not to. They're a long 
way off — out of range, I should say. Better reserve 
our fire till they get closer, and then let 'em have it hot. 

Captain Finch. Perhaps you're right. 

Paul. We might take the range of some closer 
objects, sir, so that when they get there — 

Captain Finch. When they get where.? 

Paul. Why, when they get to one of those objects 
we shall know the range. 

Captain Finch. By Jove, that's a splendid idea! 
How shall we do it ? 

Paul. With a range-finder. 

Captain Finch. Why, yes; of course. Don't 
think we've got one, though. Better ask the Color 
Sergeant; he'll know. 

Paul. I'll go and ask him, sir. 
[Exits.] 

Doctor [getting up, looks at patient and turns 
to Captain Finch]. There, I can't do any more. 

Captain Finch [steps off chair; pulls Doctor 
away]. What do you think of him .? 

[Down centre from chair,] 
[io6] 



AN ENGLISHMAN\S HOME 

Doctor. Oh, he's done for! 

Captain Finch. Can't you do anything — any- 
thing more, I mean ? 

Doctor. No. I've got nothing with me. [Putting 
on coat.] Don't think I could have saved him in 
any case. You see, I wasn't prepared for this. It 
was all such a hurried business — hadn't time to 
bring anything. Can't get anything here except a 
few bandages — very few — and some cotton wool. 
I've just plugged the wound to stop the bleeding. 
There's bad internal hemmorrhage — right lung per- 
forated, I fancy. He'll die — soon too. Well, I must 
be off. 

Captain Finch. I say, do you know anything — 
how things are going, I mean ? 

Doctor. Not much. There was some rather hot 
work right over on that flank [pointing], and the 
enemy's skirmishers were driven back. They haven't 
shown up since. Nothing but artillery fire, which 
we can't answer. 

Captain Finch. Ah, we had a few of them trying 
it on soon after we got here, but they didn't stay long. 
They didn't do much harm — killed a man, though; 
not one of mine — wretched civilian, belonged to the 
house. We drove 'em off though. 
[Up to window.] 
[107] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Maggie [has been talking to wounded man]. 
Amy! 

[Doctor, centre.] 

Amy. Yes ? 

Maggie. Get me a pencil and some paper. 

Amy. Pencil and paper. [Going.] Pencil and 
paper — pencil and paper. 

[Exits slowly. Shell. She suddenly 
bangs door.] 

Captain Finch. If we have to move from here, 
what shall I do with the wounded ? 

Doctor. One of them can walk all right. Better 
send him off at once to the rear. You must carry 
the rest. 

Captain Finch. Carry them ? How ? 

Doctor. Stretchers. 

Captain Finch. Where shall I get the stretchers ? 

Doctor. I don't know, I'm sure. Didn't you 
bring any with you ? 

Captain Finch. No, I never thought of it. Don't 
think any one thought of it. I shouldn't have known 
where to find them if I had thought of it. But I had 
no time to think of anything. We were just bundled 
off anyhow. 

Doctor. Well, you'll have to leave them, that's 
all. Take them out, and lay them down out there. 
[108] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Perhaps we shan't move. Anyway, I shall hang 
about. 

[Enter Amy with paper, etc., which 
she gives to Maggie.] 
Captain Finch. Are there many wounded ? 
Doctor. Yes, a goodish number. 
Captain Finch. Are you coming back again .? 
Where shall I find you if I want you ? Have you got 
a hospital or anything .? 

Doctor. I tell you there's nothing — absolutely 
nothing — except a little cotton wool and some band- 
ages. 

[Shell passing over and exploding.] 
[Exits.] 

[Captain up to window and back 
again. Maggie is writing letter 
for wounded man. Amy gives him 
water. Enter Paul.] 
Paul. Color Sergeant says he hasn't got a range- 
finder, sir. But he's already got several ranges from 
trial shots. Here they are. 

[Hands a paper.] 

[Shell passing over and exploding.] 
Captain Finch [takes paper, puts on spectacles, 
and reads]. "Small house, 500 yards." Which small 
house ? 

[109] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOMP: 

Paul [while Captain Finch is putting on spec- 
tacles]. The one, sir, with the red roof. The Golf 
Club. 

Captain Finch. Bend in the road — yes — 800 
yards. Do you think they're all right ? 
[Rise go to window.] 

Paul. He says they're quite accurate enough, sir, 
for the class of shot we've got. 

Captain Finch. Well, where are those men now ? 
[On chair.] Can we see them ? Are they coming 
closer ? Have you been watching them ? 

Paul. They're moving mighty slow, but they're a 
bit thicker, I fancy. 

Captain Finch [looking at the paper]. We'll 
open fire when they get to the farm buildings, eh ? 
Don't you think so .? That would be a good range, I 
think. 

Paul. They won't be there for some time at the 
rate they're moving. Wliat's the Color Sergeant 
judge that ? Seems a long way off. 

Captain Finch. Calls it 1,500, with a query 
after it. 

Paul. Yes, he said he wasn't very certain of that 

one. Anyway, I think it's too far. We haven't got 

too much ammunition — only about fifty rounds a 

man served out. Better keep it till it's likely to tell. 

[no] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Captain Finch. Seems a pity not to scare them 
a little first, don't you think ? 

Paul. None of these men can shoot, from what the 
Color Sergeant tells me. Some of 'em never fired 
a round except on a miniature range. They won't 
do much scaring. 

Captain Finch. Oh, well, have it your own way. 
Perhaps you're right. I'm going to see the men. 
[As he is about to exit he meets Reggie.] Hullo! 
who are you ? 

Reggie [amazed]. Who am I ? 

[Captain Finch exits up-stairs, not 
waiting for answer.] 
[Enter Reggie. He is rather travel- 
stained, but quite calm — stodgy, in 
fact.] 
Reggie. Hullo, Paul, you here ? 
Paul. Looks like it. Where have you been .? 
[Still on chair; gets off it, and goes 
to window.] 
Reggie. Oh, all over the place, having a look. 
Well, pa, what became of you .? You ought to have 
stuck to me. I've seen a good deal, I can tell 
you. 

Brown [grunts]. Hope you're pleased with it. 
Reggie. No, I'm not! From what I have seen, 
[III] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

I can't say I'm impressed with the intelligence of 
those who are running this show. 

Brown. Idiots, I expect, every man Jack of them! 

Reggie. You're about right, pa. I don't think 
there's any sense in the whole thing. I talked to a 
good many of the officers, and told them what I 
thought ought to be done. But it wasn't much good 
— they wouldn't take a hint, though it was kindly 
meant. I only wanted to help them. A stupid lot, 
I think. Regular officers, too, some of them were — 
seemed to be in authority, and running the show. 
It's quite right what the papers were always saying 
— they don't know their job. That's bad enough, 
but where I blame them is they won't listen to a man 
who's got some common -sense in him, and only 
wants to help 'em out. 

Brown. They ought to be hanged. They're re- 
sponsible for this. 

Reggie. That's what I say, and what I told 'em. 
But, bless you, they don't seem to feel it. I told them 
that they were paid to defend the country, and if this 
was the way they did it, we didn't get value for our 
money. 

Brown. They ought to be hanged on every 
lamp-post! 

Reggie. I let them know my opinion, I assure you. 

[112] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

But they're a thick-skinned lot — some of them 
rather wanting in manners, too. 

Lindsay [outside]. Where's Captain Finch .? 

[Amy crosses to table.] 
Color Sergeant. Inside the house, sir. 
Voice. Send a man to hold my horse, please, Color 
Sergeant. 

[Enter Captain Lindsay, the Ad- 
jutant.] 
Adjutant. Captain Finch here.^* 
Paul. Yes, sir, he's in the next room. Shall I 
call him .? 

Adjutant. Yes, please. Say I want to see him. 
Tell him the Adjutant, Captain Lindsay, wants him. 
[Two shells passing over and ex- 
ploding.] 
[Exit Paul.] 
[To men at window]. Anything to shoot at ? 
Volunteer. Not yet, sir. 

[Shell.] 
Adjutant. Then what's the good of standing 
there, exposing yourselves ? Get down under cover. 
What's the good of taking risks .?— wall's no good 
against rifle fire. But shrapnel at this range won't 
hurt — if you lie low. Standing up like that, you may 
get hit. 

[113] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Volunteer. We're not frightened. 

Adjutant. Didn't say you were, but you're 
damned foolish. 

[Enter Captain Finch.] 

Captain Finch. Hullo, Lindsay, what is it — 
what's happening .? Have you got any orders .? Are 
we beating them ? What are we going to do .? 

Adjutant [coolly]. We are going to retire. 
[Lights pipe.] 

Captain Finch. Retire .? What for ? 

Brown. Retire.? Never! 

Reggie. Nonsense! Why should we retire? 
What's the point of retiring .? 

Captain Finch. I say, Lindsay, surely we could 
hold on here. Is there any reason for us to retire ? 

Adjutant [not noticing the question]. Finch, you 
shouldn't have allowed these people to stop here. 
They're in the way. You should have ordered them out. 

Captain Finch. I tried to make them see that 
when I got here, but they simply refused to move. 

Brown. If by the expression "these people" you 
are alluding to me and my family, let me tell you, sir, 
that we have more right here than you. This is my 
house, and it would be a pretty state of things if any 
jackanapes in uniform could order an Englishman 
off his own property! 

[114] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Adjutant [looks at him, but doesn't answer]. And 
these ladies, Finch, they really must go; it's not safe 
for them — ^you must send them away before you 
retire. 

Captain Finch. Oh, all right, but do tell me why 
we are to retire. There must be some reason. 

Adjutant [dryly]. There are — several. One of 
them is — we can't stay. 

Brown. Can't stay! Don't want to stay. 

Adjutant. Another is, we've done all that we 
were sent here for. 

Brown. Damn it, you've done nothing! 

Adjutant. And perhaps the best of all, It is an 
order — as Kim says. 

Reggie. Well, I don't know who "Kim" may be, 
but I should like to give him my opinion of him. 

Brown. He ought to be hanged — ^whatever his 
rank is! 

Captain Finch. But I say, Lindsay, do explain 
it a little. Can't you tell me something ? You see, 
we've no notion of what's been going on. They 
aren't pressing us; we could hold on here for hours. 

Adjutant. My dear Finch, that's not the point, 
even if it were true — which it isn't. 

Brown. I say we could hold on here forever. 

Adjutant [to Finch]. Who is this British bulldog } 
[115] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Captain Finch. Oh, he's the owner of this house. 

Adjutant. Of course; I believe he mentioned it 
just now. I can understand his feelings. Now, 
look here, we've done all that was expected of us. 

Captain Finch. But we haven't won. 

Adjutant. Yes, we have, we've won time. Not 
much, but enough, I fancy, with a scratch crowd of 
a few hundreds — without guns. We've kept thou- 
sands of these Johnnies monkeying about for some 
hours. Doesn't seem much, but every minute was 
precious and means another Company in position, 
and now we can't hold on any longer and aren't 
wanted to. We just vanish in a blaze — or rather 
under cover of one. 

Captain Finch. But when do we retire ? And 
how ? And where do we go to ? 

Adjutant. Usual direction to the rear. Now 
look here, Finch. The right's going first, and you'll 
be the last to flit. Don't move till you see the lot on 
your right here are off. Then get away cleverly — 
few at a time, extended. Collect them below and 
close on the centre — once you're out of sight get a 
move on. 

[Shell.] 

Captain Finch. But what will the enemy do when 
we're gone ? What will they think we've gone for .? 
[ii6] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Brown. Think that you're cowards. 

Adjutant. Don't know what they'll think, and 
don't care. What they'll do isn't so difficult to 
imagine — come after us. They'll waste time over 
this township, though, and we shall get clear. 

Captain Finch. What will they do here ^ 
[Shell.] 

Adjutant. Well, there won't be much left for 
them to do. They'll look for us, perhaps, but they 
won't find us — see ? 

[Captain Finch up to window.] 

Brown. More shame to you. They will find me. 

Adjutant. If you take my advice, you gentlemen 
will start at once, taking these ladies with you. 

Brown. You advise me to run away from these 
scoundrels — me ? I shall stay here and defy them. 

Adjutant. That's your own affair entirely. But 
please tell these ladies to go away now. 

Brown. Certainly not. They know — er — what 
is expected of them. 

Captain Finch. But, I say, Lindsay, they will 
come after us, won't they ? We shall give them a 
fight, sha'n't we ? We mustn't let these fellows think 
they've beaten us, eh ? 

Adjutant. Don't you be afraid. If they think 
that, it won't last long. Back over there is a British 
9 [117] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Army — horse, foot, and dragoons — in position. 
Ready, thanks to us, mind you, and willing — oh 
yes, damned willing — not to mention able — to knock 
all the extra swelling out of their heads. 

Captain Finch. No — really ? By Jove, that's 
quick work! 

Adjutant. It's splendid work — considering. But 
they've done it, from all we hear. Brought 'em up 
by train, motors, 'buses — every blessed thing that 
could move has been making the roads hot. The 
motor 'buses breaking the time limit, chock-a-block 
with Guardsmen and Blue-jackets, have been one 
of the most cheering sights ever seen, a fellow on 
the staff said, fairly lapping over each other, and 
policemen cheering them on instead of taking their 
number. 

[Enter Jackson.] 

Jackson. I say. Finch — oh, I beg pardon. Good- 
morning, sir. We can't stay up there any longer, 
it's too smoky; we couldn't see anything if we did 
stop, and I don't think we really can. 

Adjutant. Considering the state of the roof, I 
think you've done jolly well to stay up so long. 
However, it doesn't matter now. Come down — eh. 
Finch .f* Let them come down, and then get the 
rest of your men out in the grounds here. 
[ii8] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Captain Finch. Right, sir. You understand, Jack- 
son ? Take these men out that way, and then the men 
up-stairs. Never mind, I'll go and see about them. 
[Exits, followed by Jackson.] 

Paul. The enemy are a bit closer now. Shall we 
fire at them ? 

[Few shots from enemy heard.] 

Adjutant [looks]. Yes, you can have a few shots. 
Don't throw your ammunition away — ^just a shot now 
and then, to keep them thinking, and do, for goodness' 
sake, keep down and don't expose yourselves. And 
now, Mr. — er — now, sir, I warn you that you'd better 
get away. The house, I'm sorry to say, seems pretty 
well alight, and you may be roughly handled when 
the enemy gets here. Soldiers who've just captured 
a position aren't too gentle in their manners, and they 
may — 

Brown. And pray, sir, whose fault is it that the 
enemy will capture the position ^ I am not afraid 
of them — I have no fear of exposing myself. Let 
them come, I say, as rough as you please, and I will 
stay here and defend my house and my country, 
even if those who are paid to do so haven't the pluck. 

Adjutant. Now, look here, sir, you're talking 
rot! I'm fed up with your pluck— you can stop here 
and make an ass of yourself for all I care — only I 
[119] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

warn you, you'll get into bad trouble if you attempt 
to do anything to defend your house — or your coun- 
try, as you call it. Let me tell you, you've no right 
to defend anything — ^you're a civilian; you've no 
uniform, and you're not allowed to defend your 
country. You may consider yourself a perfect mass 
of patriotism, but you'd be better employed cursing 
yourself for not having earned the right to defend 
your own country than cursing and slandering those 
real patriots who have! 

[Exits.] 

[Shell and distant musketry.] 
Brown. Impertinent puppy! 
Reggie. They're all that, these army officers. 
Think they're the only people who know anything, 
when, between you and me, they know less than most. 
All the same, he's right in one thing: there is no point 
in staying here, as far as I can see, if these fellows 
are all going to bolt! 

[Some rapid firing out in the garden, 

encouraged and directed by the 

Color Sergeant.] 
Color Sergeant [outside in garden]. Steady 
there! Steady! 

[Finch crosses from door to opening. 

Long whistle; firing gradually stops.] 
[120] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Color Sergeant [voice heard outside]. Cease 
firing — cease firing! You must pay attention to the 
whistle, and don't fire wildly like that — it's a great 
waste of ammunition ! 

Reggie. What are you going to do ? Better come 
away. We can do no good here — wasted, I think. 

Brown, I shall most assuredly stop here. 

Reggie. Well, it's a free country, but I think 
you're wrong. I'm off — I shall put a few things 
together, and then go and see what's happening. I 
shall probably sleep at Aunt Emily's to-night, and 
advise you to get there too. This won't last long, 
and you girls had better come with me. No point in 
stopping here. Of course, you will be rather in the 
way, but I'll find you somewhere to go, and you'll be 
safer with me. Come along, Maggie — now then. 
Amy, wake up! 

Maggie. No, Reggie, I shall stay here with Dad. 

Reggie [has caught sight of the papers on the 
floor — collects them]. Oh, well, do what you like. 
Pity to leave these; they were pretty useful, I think. 
Come, Amy! 

[Effect at exit.] 

[No answer from Amy, who is rather 

collapsed at foot of sofa.] 

[Exit to hall.] 

[121] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Paul. Might try a shot at them now, I think. I 
think — there, see! Where that bunch of them is — 
quick — sight's eight — no, nine hundred yards. Now, 
steady aim. [Sights one man's rifle for him.] There. 
[Points.] Now! 

[They all fire, and look to see where 
their shots go,] 
Paul. Nowhere near them, I should say. 

[Enter Jackson.] 
Jackson. Finch! I say, Finch! Here [to Paul], 
where's Captain Finch ? 
Paul. He's up-stairs. 

Jackson. No, he's not, he must be out there with 
the Color Sergeant. 

Paul. What do you want him for ? 
Jackson. Well, the next lot on our right are 
shoving off. [Goes to centre window door.] We shall 
have to skip now. 

[Enter Reggie, rather excited; has a 
greatcoat on him, and the pockets 
are bulging with things in them.] 
Reggie. I say, come along quickly; you can't 
stop here another minute — every one's going! The 
roof's well alight, and will fall any minute! It's 
absurd! Come! I could hardly get up-stairs to 
get some things. Come along! 
[122] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

[Stony stare from old Brown.] 
Maggie, are you coming ? [Silence.] Well, Amy, 
do you hear? Amy, come with me! [Goes to her 
and shakes her.] Rouse yourself, Amy. [Shake.] 
Damn it, you must come. Do you hear — the whole 
house is coming down. Ada's gone, and I can't find 
Sydney anywhere. You must come, I say! 

[Hauls her and goes to door.] 

[She totters after him. Exeunt. 

Shell. Shell.] 

[Captain and Jackson at window 

door.] 
Captain Finch [enters hole in wall, followed by 
Jackson]. That's what you've got to do — -you un- 
derstand, Jackson I Get them away, well extended 
— ^you understand ? And I'll join you at the bottom. 
Now, be quick about it. No time to waste. 
Jackson. All right. 

[Runs through the room and out 

at door, while Paul and three 

Volunteers are firing a little. 

Shell.] 
Captain Finch [without coming into room]. 
Now then, you fellows, it's time to retire. Every 
one out of the house — Now, come on, do you hear 
me? 

[123] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

First Volunteer. Here goes for another shot at 
the beggars! [Fires. He and the other two Vol- 
unteers come away in a slow, dawd- 
ling manner.] 
Captain Finch. Hurry up — come on! Will you 
do what I tell you ^. 

[Leaves window. Exit.] 
Third Volunteer. Damn this retiring! I don't 
understand it. 

Paul. Never mind that; those are the orders — 
Come, out you get! 

[Volunteers go out. 
[Some firing by Color Sergeant's 
party outside. Shouts of "Color 
Sergeant!" by Captain. Whistle. 
Firing stops.] 
Captain Finch [outside]. Color Sergeant, do you 
hear what I say ? 
Color Sergeant. Yes, sir. 

Captain Finch. You understand — a few men at 
a time while the rest keep on firing. 

Color Sergeant. Yes, sir, I understand. 

[Shell. Shell. Enemy's musketry.] 
Now then, let 'em have it! 

[Firing. Sparks begin to fall from 
the roof.] 

[124] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Paul. Now, Mr. Brown — every one is retiring. 

Brown. Cowards! 

[Whistle outside — firing ceases.] 

Paul. Maggie, you must go away. You can't 
stay here — you can do no more for that poor fellow! 

Maggie. No, Paul, he's dead. 

Paul. Come, Maggie! 

Maggie. Don't go away, Paul, don't — stay here 
with me! 

Paul. Oh, my dear! my dear! I mustn't stop! — 
my job is over there with the others. 
[Shell.] 

You must go — ^you can't stay here. 

[Musketry. Distant shouts. Whistle.] 

Color Sergeant [outside]. Now then, you on the 
right, off you get — extend! Extend! 

Paul. ..But you can't, Maggie! You can't! It's 
all right for your father. He's a man — they won't 
hurt him. But for you, Maggie, it's impossible! 
Come with me — now! 

Maggie. Where to, Paul .? 

Paul. Back there with the rest. 

[Points. Shell. Shell.] 

Maggie. Oh, I can't dear! I can't! I can't 
leave him — father — all alone. But you stay, Paul, 
you can stay. Stop with me always! It doesn't 
[125] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

matter what happens if you stay with me! Oh, Paul 
— Paul — don't go! 

[Noise outside repeated, as before.] 

Color Sergeant [outside]. Now, away you go! 
Keep down — keep down! Don't show yourselves! 

Paul [to Maggie]. I must; it's my duty. 

Maggie. What difference will one make, over 
there with all those others .? Stay with me — I want 
you! 

[Shell. Noise. Shouting, etc. 
[Enter Sydney, crying, hysterical.] 

Sydney. Maggie! Maggie! I'm frightened! I 
can't find any one. Take me away! 

[Maggie takes him in her arms.] 

Maggie. Sydney, Sydney darling! Where have 
you been ? There, there, you must go away — with 
Paul. He'll look after you. Paul will take you 
away with him — won't you, Paul ^ 

Sydney. No, no, I want to go with you, Maggie. 
I won't go — I won't go with any one else! 

Maggie. Come then, dear — we'll go together. 
There, there, Sydney, don't blub, old man! No one 
will hurt you — come along, dear. [Takes him out 
by window door.] Come, Paul, I'll start with you. 
[Aside] And you can look after Syd when I come 
back. 

[126] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

[Paul has a look out of the win- 
dow at the enemy; then looks at 
Brown, shrugs his shoulders, and 
follows.] 
Paul. This way, Maggie! 

[Exeunt quickly.] 

[Enemy's shouts nearer. Shouts 
from Color Sergeant.] 
Color Sergeant. Now then, away you go, 

Corporal Banks; get your men off quickly, then — 

now! 

[Last burst of firing. Shell. Shell. 
Old Brown standing by fireplace, 
sparks falling outside, rolling smoke, 
last few dropping shots fired as the 
last of Color Sergeant's party are 
retiring. Occasional shell, distant 
hum of shouts of enemy coming 
closer. He stalks to window and 
looks out.] 
Brown. Curse them! Oh, curse them all! 

[An occasional bullet strikes the 
brickwork outside, and one or two 
at intervals hum through the open 
window and strike something inside. 
Brown comes down, picks up rifle 
[127] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

of dead soldier, looks at it, goes to 
window, points it, and pulls trigger 
—no result. Throws it down, then 
slowly picks it up again, moves to 
middle of room and fiddles with it. 
At last opens it, closes it, opens it 
again, looks round, sees bandolier 
cut off dead soldier by the Doctor, 
picks it up, takes it to window, then 
slowly and with clumsiness loads 
the rifle. Stands full upright and 
fires straight front, exposing self, 
watching effect, slowly repeats the 
process. A bullet hits window-sill. 
Brown, who has been acting like 
a man in a dream — a sort of automa- 
ton — seems to wake up. He be- 
comes from instinct a fighting man. 
He takes cover, crouches in left 
corner of window, he takes aim, he 
fires with more interest and quicker. 
The lust of battle comes over him. 
After one shot he gives a wild shout 
of triumph. After another, he shouts 
"Another!" The enemy's shouts 
show they are getting near — nearer 
[128] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

— quite near. They are in the house, 
running about, smashing open doors. 
The door opens with a crash, two 
bearded Infantrymen rush in. First 
one takes a hurried shot at Brown, 
who is still firing out of window — 
misses him — and then rushes at 
him with bayonet lowered. Brown 
turns, clubs his rifle, swings the 
butt down on the soldier's bayonet, 
turns it, then, with all his might, 
hits him straight between the eyes 
and fells him. The second soldier 
is just going to stick him when 
enter Prince Yoland, door up 
left.] 
Yoland. What is this.? Why! [Looks round.] 
Ah! it is my friend, Mr. Brown. Let him be. 

Officer. He's been fighting. He killed one of 
my men as we came up. 

Yoland. What is that.? [Sternly.] You have 
been fighting; you have no right — 

Brown. No right, you blackguards! No right! 
It's you that have no right. It's my house you're 
attacking. 

Yoland. You're not a soldier. 
[129] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Brown. Bah! What does that matter? I'm an 
Englishman. 

[YoLAND brushes him off.] 
YoLAND. Take him out and shoot him. 
Brown. What do you say ? 

YoLAND. You are a civilian; you have been 
fighting. I am sorry you must pay the penalty. 
Brown. Very well. [Pause.] I'm ready. 
[YoLAND salutes him.] 
[Exit. Just at his exit Maggie 
enters.] 
Maggie. My father! What are you doing with 
him? 

YoLAND. I regret, lady, your father is a pris- 
oner. 

Maggie. A prisoner— what for? He is an old 
man. He is not a soldier. Why do you make him 
a prisoner ? He can do no harm. 

YoLAND. He is a civilian, and he was fighting. He 
killed some of my men. 

Maggie. But he will not be a prisoner for long. 
You will let him go. He will soon be free. 
[Volley off right.] 
[Exits screaming.] 
YoLAND. It's a pity, but it can't be helped. 

[Taking out map and sitting down.] 
[130] 



AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME 

Officer. Do we stay here, sir ? 

[Crosses to fireplace.] 

YoLAND [picking up chair and sitting right of 
table.] Yes, here in what the late owner called "An 
Englishman's Home." 

Officer. For how long, sir? 



THE END 



APH 16 I9U9 



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